Wednesday, December 10, 2014

The Look

I am always so guarded, always pushing people away and never letting anyone get too close.  I'm extremely cautious with my heart and my feelings, not only because i have been hurt but because I am so stubborn and set in my ways. I like my life the way it is and sometimes I am not sure i can fit someone into it. But that look, that glance makes me feel like for this one i could do it all. When i look over at him and see him looking at me with so much adoration in his eyes it makes me feel so amazing. The way he holds my hand and kisses the back of it when i talk, then the way he leans up against me, like he has to touch me at all times. It's an amazing feeling, but its terrifying. I could list about 100 different ways that the things he does make me feel like I am the only girl in the world yet i am so scared to admit my feelings. He talks like he knows what it is, like he is done and I am his entire world and the feeling that gives me is phenomenal. He has used that word to describe it and it works. A man who is hard working, educated and kind is so hard to find, I am preparing myself for when it ends to be able to go back to where I was and I think i still can but i also think that it is a matter of time before i cross the point of no return. It's approaching. I trust him though, with my feelings with my heart and with me just in general. I never thought i would say that i could find a man who could handle me; i used to take a bitter sort of pride in that but he can. He has and he is very much someone who i would like to handle me, someone who i would actually want to work through things with. He has no problem communicating, when something bothers him he doesn't hesitate to let me know and to tell me we are going to talk about it and then we actually talk about it. I've never had someone that focused on me so quickly. The one thing he said to me and it has stuck with me for the past few days was on Saturday when i told him i didn't want to drink too much and get wasted and he said not to worry and he would take care of me and i didn't have to always take care of things. He asked me to trust him which i agreed to do and I feel like i am, well to the best of my ability. He tolerates my fits of psycho-ness that unfortunately show my ugly side. He pays attention to me with such intensity that i kind of melt. The comfort i feel is reassuring and the things he says seem genuine and i trust him but at the same time i feel i cant let it all down and let him completely in because once i do I am not sure i can go back, not with this one, he is an all-in type of man for me. I'm scared to admit my complete at true feelings even here where i feel its private but they are there and I think I'm starting to own them... I'll keep posting