Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Figuring Things Out...

I am so looking forward to these next few days off. My roommate will be out of town and I will have about 4.5 full days to myself to just process stuff. I need to stop listening to people's advice and thoughts on shit and process how i feel about people and mostly love & relationships. Sometimes i feel what people are saying is true and real and i need to listen and follow that advice then sometimes i think i am 28 fucking years old and nobody knows what i want more than i do of myself. I am fully capable of figuring out what i want to do with my life and sometimes we just pay too much attention to others. With that being said even if i know i'm making a huge mistake by even giving someone any type of attention maybe that's what i want to do right now. I feel judged by people and it's starting to upset me. Everyone wants to see me "happy" or so they say and i spend a couple of days with someone who made me feel slightly special for a few hours and I am running off that high and i feel like the people closest to me are knocking me down. Hey they are probably like 98% right that this man is not about what i'm about but can't u just say fuck that and acknowledge the huge ego boost this guy gave me and that I'm feeling good and happy for a couple of days. Let me have that, don't rain on my parade because i can almost guarantee that this high is not gonna last and i will come crashing down in a few. But its frustrating being like this of course i want something different but I am happy in life in general and with the way things are going as well as with this nice little weekend i had. Even if the shit people say isn't true and real its nice to fucking hear it and its nice to get caught up in the moment. But when it comes down to it I am fully awake and my eyes are wide open I'm not stupid neither am i vulnerable in anyway. When i drink or when i do things i shouldn't i am aware of the decisions i am making. People always wanna wonder why i am so closeted why i don't open up to people and why i don't share anything because i feel fucking judgement every time i do. I feel people telling me how to live my life and i am not one of those people. Sometimes i just want you to fucking listen i don't want your opinion. Maybe that's why i love my roomie so much, he is a guy and he doesn't judge my shit he is honest but he doesn't bring me down. I need people around me who lift me up. I know that these people only care about me and want to see me happy (as they say) and want to protect but damn just let me live a little. It almost makes me want to go out and do inappropriate ass stuff because i just want to be like fuck you and your advice but then i know that makes me sound like a little kid throwing a tantrum at a toy store. I just need space from people and time to vent and to just be okay with the way i am feeling about things. Its been like over 2 years since i have felt anything like this and trust me i know more than anybody else this isn't some "real love" bullshit or long term commitment thing, but it feels fucking good to feel something at all especially when i was not ever sure i could feel it again. It means that there is still hope for me to find someone. Nah i know this guy isn't that one but just knowing I'm not as cold-hearted as i thought my last relationship made me gives me hope. So let me have this tiny victory for now, smile for me and smile with me and be genuinely happy and stop trying to warn me or fucking guide me into thoughts of negativity and cautiousness because no one is more cautious than i am with my own heart. I just need to spend these next 5 days alone, I am happy and he made me feel that way and I liked it. So fucking sue me... When the next mf'er comes around and makes me feel good ill be happy again and ill fucking like it. But the real people breaking my heart right now are the ones i consider family but putting their negativity on me and right now i just can't stand for it...

And just because we need a little anthem for this post...


PS. He has a smile that will melt butter and it's gonna get me in so much trouble but that's okay because its been a really long time since i got in trouble and what's life without a little trouble. ;)

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