Wednesday, December 10, 2014

The Look

I am always so guarded, always pushing people away and never letting anyone get too close.  I'm extremely cautious with my heart and my feelings, not only because i have been hurt but because I am so stubborn and set in my ways. I like my life the way it is and sometimes I am not sure i can fit someone into it. But that look, that glance makes me feel like for this one i could do it all. When i look over at him and see him looking at me with so much adoration in his eyes it makes me feel so amazing. The way he holds my hand and kisses the back of it when i talk, then the way he leans up against me, like he has to touch me at all times. It's an amazing feeling, but its terrifying. I could list about 100 different ways that the things he does make me feel like I am the only girl in the world yet i am so scared to admit my feelings. He talks like he knows what it is, like he is done and I am his entire world and the feeling that gives me is phenomenal. He has used that word to describe it and it works. A man who is hard working, educated and kind is so hard to find, I am preparing myself for when it ends to be able to go back to where I was and I think i still can but i also think that it is a matter of time before i cross the point of no return. It's approaching. I trust him though, with my feelings with my heart and with me just in general. I never thought i would say that i could find a man who could handle me; i used to take a bitter sort of pride in that but he can. He has and he is very much someone who i would like to handle me, someone who i would actually want to work through things with. He has no problem communicating, when something bothers him he doesn't hesitate to let me know and to tell me we are going to talk about it and then we actually talk about it. I've never had someone that focused on me so quickly. The one thing he said to me and it has stuck with me for the past few days was on Saturday when i told him i didn't want to drink too much and get wasted and he said not to worry and he would take care of me and i didn't have to always take care of things. He asked me to trust him which i agreed to do and I feel like i am, well to the best of my ability. He tolerates my fits of psycho-ness that unfortunately show my ugly side. He pays attention to me with such intensity that i kind of melt. The comfort i feel is reassuring and the things he says seem genuine and i trust him but at the same time i feel i cant let it all down and let him completely in because once i do I am not sure i can go back, not with this one, he is an all-in type of man for me. I'm scared to admit my complete at true feelings even here where i feel its private but they are there and I think I'm starting to own them... I'll keep posting

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Figuring Things Out...

I am so looking forward to these next few days off. My roommate will be out of town and I will have about 4.5 full days to myself to just process stuff. I need to stop listening to people's advice and thoughts on shit and process how i feel about people and mostly love & relationships. Sometimes i feel what people are saying is true and real and i need to listen and follow that advice then sometimes i think i am 28 fucking years old and nobody knows what i want more than i do of myself. I am fully capable of figuring out what i want to do with my life and sometimes we just pay too much attention to others. With that being said even if i know i'm making a huge mistake by even giving someone any type of attention maybe that's what i want to do right now. I feel judged by people and it's starting to upset me. Everyone wants to see me "happy" or so they say and i spend a couple of days with someone who made me feel slightly special for a few hours and I am running off that high and i feel like the people closest to me are knocking me down. Hey they are probably like 98% right that this man is not about what i'm about but can't u just say fuck that and acknowledge the huge ego boost this guy gave me and that I'm feeling good and happy for a couple of days. Let me have that, don't rain on my parade because i can almost guarantee that this high is not gonna last and i will come crashing down in a few. But its frustrating being like this of course i want something different but I am happy in life in general and with the way things are going as well as with this nice little weekend i had. Even if the shit people say isn't true and real its nice to fucking hear it and its nice to get caught up in the moment. But when it comes down to it I am fully awake and my eyes are wide open I'm not stupid neither am i vulnerable in anyway. When i drink or when i do things i shouldn't i am aware of the decisions i am making. People always wanna wonder why i am so closeted why i don't open up to people and why i don't share anything because i feel fucking judgement every time i do. I feel people telling me how to live my life and i am not one of those people. Sometimes i just want you to fucking listen i don't want your opinion. Maybe that's why i love my roomie so much, he is a guy and he doesn't judge my shit he is honest but he doesn't bring me down. I need people around me who lift me up. I know that these people only care about me and want to see me happy (as they say) and want to protect but damn just let me live a little. It almost makes me want to go out and do inappropriate ass stuff because i just want to be like fuck you and your advice but then i know that makes me sound like a little kid throwing a tantrum at a toy store. I just need space from people and time to vent and to just be okay with the way i am feeling about things. Its been like over 2 years since i have felt anything like this and trust me i know more than anybody else this isn't some "real love" bullshit or long term commitment thing, but it feels fucking good to feel something at all especially when i was not ever sure i could feel it again. It means that there is still hope for me to find someone. Nah i know this guy isn't that one but just knowing I'm not as cold-hearted as i thought my last relationship made me gives me hope. So let me have this tiny victory for now, smile for me and smile with me and be genuinely happy and stop trying to warn me or fucking guide me into thoughts of negativity and cautiousness because no one is more cautious than i am with my own heart. I just need to spend these next 5 days alone, I am happy and he made me feel that way and I liked it. So fucking sue me... When the next mf'er comes around and makes me feel good ill be happy again and ill fucking like it. But the real people breaking my heart right now are the ones i consider family but putting their negativity on me and right now i just can't stand for it...

And just because we need a little anthem for this post...


PS. He has a smile that will melt butter and it's gonna get me in so much trouble but that's okay because its been a really long time since i got in trouble and what's life without a little trouble. ;)