Tuesday, February 05, 2013

Sunday Funday

IDK what it is about Sundays... They have always seemed to be "our" day. I'm not proud of myself but it felt really nice to spend time with him and talk and have fun.  It's been so long, of course there were tears and there was emotion but that familiarity of being best friends was there.  He was my best friend.  He was  more than that honestly but most of over missing the physical and the companionship its the friendship that was the hardest to let go.

Talking with someone who isn't go to judge you and who is really going to "get" you and i don't mean "i understand" i mean like know exactly what you mean and how you feel. Of course he said some things that were hard to hear, not ugly things but beautiful things. Sad things. 

I know its not good to hang on to him, to still talk to him or try to have a friendship but its hard to let go. Its nearly impossible.  I've tried more than you can imagine but how do you ever cope with losing a family member, or in my case your whole family. We were a family. I think I'm adjusting better to not having him in my life but to completely nullify him would be impossible i feel.

Its awkward in a way, i see him clinging to me when we are together and and i see myself pulling further away. More realization comes that this is not the person i want to be with. there is the shadow of the man i once loved but for the most part he is gone. He asked if i ever thought i would find someone that was perfect for me like him, and i said i really hoped so, i really believe that its possible. He said he didn't think he would ever find someone better for him than me. That made me sad, sad because that means he thinks he wont ever be happy and also because he was the one to end it. He was in control of his own happiness.

For whatever reason the more i see him hurt it helps me heal. I realize that sounds awful and i don't mean it in a vengeful way, i don't ever want him to hurt of feel what i used to feel but I'm moving on slowly but surely and I'm getting over him and he is starting to regret he left. Of course with all things it will take time for both of us to be at a clear understanding of this. I guess its knowing that my world didn't end and that someone will be happy with me.

For now ill continue to focus on me & my goals, that's whats most important. And we will just have to see how this relationship continues to develop or un-develop. I'm still confused on what to do or how to handle it but I'm going to just take it one day at a time.


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