Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Oh My Chicken!

hmmm... how to start this blog? it's been an interesting weekend.

As i told you all about last Sunday being amazing with my ex-boyfriend (E). So we have been trying to keep in touch and remain friendly he has kinda been saying some things that kinda trigger alarms just little things of regret.

So then Friday he invites me for a beer and he comes to pick me up. We go out to "our" bar and of course we have a great time and we are laughing and talking like normal almost and he hits me with a high fast ball (note the sports reference). He made a mistake, he wants to be together he wants a family and he wants marriage and etc. He is trying to switch jobs to show me he is serious, he misses being best friends, the party life he thought he wanted he never has fun like he does with me and im just like "whoa".

Part of me is overwhelmed in a good way, i mean for 3mos this is all i wanted. i hoped he would come back i hoped he would just need time to process this phase of his life (his quarter life crisis) and he would figure out we were soulmates. After 3 months though i cant say i had much hope left if any though so im really blindsided. To me it seemed he was enjoying his single life.

Its like a huge 180 though. He told me some really great things, about going to his friend and telling him he made a mistake. (Side Bar: the friend is the one who encouraged him to leave for my sake, i like the friend. to me he was on my side rather than have E hurt me he told him  you have to let her go dont treat people wrong...his friend is really wise and i think he saved us) and he friend told him "what are you gonna do about it? are you going to regret it or are you going to fix it?" so all of sudden E made the decision to fix it.

We aren't talking or back together or anything like that. He says he wants to take care of things on his end 1st to prove to me that he is serious. Which shocks me, i see a change in him... E was always sweet and kind and gentle and loving but ive never seen him i guess the right word is passionate or determined. I see that in him now, that he is going to do what it takes.

We talked on Saturday all day almost via text. Then Sunday we spent the day together again. We discussed some things about our relationship should it be repaired what we would want to change or how we would work at it. I told him marriage is a big commitment something he said he never wanted and a week is a big turn around to say that is what you want now. I want to put my faith in him & i am trying in certain aspects to allow myself to trust him slowly but i also expect him to prove himself. it may not be fair to ask that but i cant go through what i went thru again. i wont allow that.

A while back we had discussed commitment and marriage and i told him (i was considering breaking up at the time, we were going through a rough patch we had been for a while before the break up) i want to marry someone who wants to marry me, someone who can't live without me, who doesnt want marriage beccause its "the next step" or its "about time" but because they want to completely give themselves and make an ultimate commitment thats what i think marriage should be about. And now he is there.

He wants me to give him a second chance and some time, ive def agreed to some time im allowing that part before i decide on anything else. His entire disposition has changed and i feel like i have "him" back like the man i love is there again but we will see.  All the things he told me shows me he wants to be the man he was and restore what he has but what has made me realize it more is that he has said now that he isnt gonna talk he is gonna show me and i hope he does. i cant imagine my life without him, we are meant to be together but lets see if fate is on our side.

I realize this might be an overshare but i had to put it all out and i had to mull it over. And just work my way thru it all.


Tuesday, February 05, 2013

Sunday Funday

IDK what it is about Sundays... They have always seemed to be "our" day. I'm not proud of myself but it felt really nice to spend time with him and talk and have fun.  It's been so long, of course there were tears and there was emotion but that familiarity of being best friends was there.  He was my best friend.  He was  more than that honestly but most of over missing the physical and the companionship its the friendship that was the hardest to let go.

Talking with someone who isn't go to judge you and who is really going to "get" you and i don't mean "i understand" i mean like know exactly what you mean and how you feel. Of course he said some things that were hard to hear, not ugly things but beautiful things. Sad things. 

I know its not good to hang on to him, to still talk to him or try to have a friendship but its hard to let go. Its nearly impossible.  I've tried more than you can imagine but how do you ever cope with losing a family member, or in my case your whole family. We were a family. I think I'm adjusting better to not having him in my life but to completely nullify him would be impossible i feel.

Its awkward in a way, i see him clinging to me when we are together and and i see myself pulling further away. More realization comes that this is not the person i want to be with. there is the shadow of the man i once loved but for the most part he is gone. He asked if i ever thought i would find someone that was perfect for me like him, and i said i really hoped so, i really believe that its possible. He said he didn't think he would ever find someone better for him than me. That made me sad, sad because that means he thinks he wont ever be happy and also because he was the one to end it. He was in control of his own happiness.

For whatever reason the more i see him hurt it helps me heal. I realize that sounds awful and i don't mean it in a vengeful way, i don't ever want him to hurt of feel what i used to feel but I'm moving on slowly but surely and I'm getting over him and he is starting to regret he left. Of course with all things it will take time for both of us to be at a clear understanding of this. I guess its knowing that my world didn't end and that someone will be happy with me.

For now ill continue to focus on me & my goals, that's whats most important. And we will just have to see how this relationship continues to develop or un-develop. I'm still confused on what to do or how to handle it but I'm going to just take it one day at a time.