Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Things I'll Never Understand

Sometimes people are just awful to each other. They do horrible things to each other & hurt each other and treat other like crap. I wish i had a better word but crap covers what i mean...

I'll never understand how someone can throw away something so good. I dont get that & i dont understand how people think or do what they do. i guess thats humanity, thats how we function. we thrive and do what we need to do to survive not caring about others along our way. no matter how much we may say we care when it comes down to the nitty-gritty we are always going to do for ourselves over each other.

Ive never been a really positive person, ive never been optimistic and all of that, i wouldnt say i was ever bitter but i was realistic. i used to believe in real life, in what ppl are capable of and what they do and how they treat each others. I knew what kind of world i was living in. But i fell in love, i let it consume me. I told myself that i wanted that, that i wanted to be devoted and completely head over heels in love with someone, i wanted to be able to experience that in my life. And i dont think i am glad to have experienced that, but i wouldnt change the experience because then how do you know what you want out of life going forward?

I am not happy at the present but i hope i am not bitter either, i dont think i am but then how do we really know if we are aren't? I am working towards okay but like with everything its one step forward (and in my case) 10 steps backwards. I want to find someone eventually i really do. A partner or a companion. Im not sure if i want the whole love thing again. Right now i say i do but i know i only want a rebound, and i dont want to treat people that way. I just want someone to help me feel that void for the mean time but then again i dont want that. Im scared of possiblities right now.

I do want someone to hold me and just let me cry & yell & be mad & break down. But im trying my hardest to be strong not for anyone exactly just for myself. Just to kind of survive right now. Thats what i feel like i am doing just surviving not living or enjoying anything just making it.

I feel like an asshole, i have so much to be grateful for and so many blessings in my life but i cant seem to embrace them and be thankful for them. Its awful that i am that way and that i can see myself being that way yet i still do it. I am trying to get there, i was a point when i told myself "you are in control of your own happiness" it was my little mantra. Reminding myself that i am better and above all of this and although i do believe that i am having trouble pulling myself up again.

I realize if you are reading my blogs i sound bi-polar and well i honestly feel that way, my mood changes like my underwear sometimes (lol) one day im feeling good and blessed and thankfull and on the verge of happy then the next day i am feeling as though i cant get up out of bed and face the world anymore. I think there is a reason to my certain extreme dip in emotions right now. Without being too much TMI i think mother nature is interferring right now. Which is causing the extreme depression on my end. I hope thats the cause for all of this.

So what is next for me? Where does my "heart" (head) tell me is next and what is right for me? I was always okay alone. I was a very good "alone" person i was happy living alone and marching along to my own drum. I was pleased with my life before love came into it and i feel like i can get back there i just wish i didnt have these constant set backs. I didnt think i would be in this position after 2 months. I am surprised at myself but i am getting better slowly.

So what brought all this on? Seeing someone, and not just physicially seeing someone in front of you but seeing who they are as a person, seeing someone actually change who they are to the core it scared me & rattled me beyond belief. You dont know yourself fully much less anyone else. you never know what humans are really capable of until you see it 1st hand.

So whats next for me? i plan to blog every day i realize thats a bit much and you will probably be annoyed by it but i have to do it. I have to keep track of myself. I hope each day gets better.

And i hope to eventually have a new little initial in my life soon, maybe an R, V or a L. Who knows, ill just keep hoping for the best while preparing for the worst. Im going to get better and I am def going to get happy!


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