Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Rage

Lately, obviously, I have been really emotional, I’m going through a transition period in my life, which is understandable but what is starting to scare me a little is the fact that sometimes I have this rage and anger that really unnerves me. For the most part I don’t lash out at anyone who is undeserving or I’m not physical in anyway, I’ve only been that way once and I didn’t like how I felt. I am in control of it somedays but it’s hard to manage it all.

Am I the only person who this happens to? I feel like it takes over my life and my mind and sometimes in way my body. It comes out of nowhere and it is just there this evil dark cloud following me wherever I go reminding me of the pain & anger I’m trying to suppress. I don’t know whether it’s healthy to avoid it or to feed into it. I don’t know if I should embrace it and just allow myself to be angry and mad or if I need to keep fighting it and not let it control me. For the most part I fight it but it hasn’t gone away completely.

The past few days have been good days, not ones without tears or emotion but with moments of happiness, excitement and a bit of pride. I’ve been reaching to God & faith for help with this but it is hard when you have wavering faith and trouble w/ religion as I do. I pray for strength and courage, I pray for faith & guidance and I feel like it helps me. But at the same time I am conflicted because I feel like a hypocrite, one of those people who only turns to God during times of need rather than having his presence always in my life. I struggle with so much now-a-days.

In ways it’s like re-discovering yourself when your life makes a dramatic change, learning to deal with you emotions and thoughts alone, not having someone to confide in makes it a little scary also. I’m learning though. I’m just scared of who I can become holding on to so much anger; I need to let it go to be at peace and to be happy completely but it’s no easy task.

I’m just working through all of this still but I’m hoping for more good days ahead like the past two have been. I have (officially) let go though! That’s good news for me; I no longer want the relationship I used to have or to be with him any longer. The love part is not going away as easily but at least now I know what I want.

-MG

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