Monday, January 28, 2013

Monday Blues

Well I have good things going. I get my 1st paycheck for 2 days of work with 1-800-Flowers. Which is really something I am going to need this week. I’m happy to have a real part time job where I can earn a real check. I need some help and I am so proud of myself though. I am making it happen and making things work. It's not the easiest thing, but I have always struggled financially and managed somehow so I know I will continue to make it.

I am hoping that with my off cycle raise in April that I won’t have to keep the part-time but we will see. I just want to be okay enough that should I don’t need it but it’s going to help me get to my goals. Then I should be okay. But I might get dependent on the funds lol. We will see, I am determined more now than ever before.

I am going to treat myself, since I get paid more than I "need" to make up for my income I am going to get a tattoo this weekend. Maybe two. I want to get my marriage equality tattoo and possible my HP tattoo. I think I finally decided on both. I feel like I am being a bit impulsive but it’s something I really want and I’m excited about and I need something to remind me of all the positive in my life. I have so much to be thankful for. I am trying my best to be positive and stuff and for the most part I am doing well but I have my moments, far between but they are still there.

I think I am not getting mad anymore, I think the anger is running out, as it always does. But the sadness is still there. I feel down, I have moments of greatness and happiness but I get lonely. I miss his touch and his company but I suppose any man's company will do. lol. I think Friday's & Sundays are always the worst. Friday was our night of shenanigans and Sunday was our night to stay in, I know he would be into the new show with me. It would have been nice to have something like that. But that’s the past...moving forward.

I struggle I don’t know when it’s supposed to stop or how it stops. How do you stop thinking about things? How do you forgive & forget? I can forgive but forgetting is the hard part that’s what my mind lingers on the most. The constant thoughts that don’t seem to stop. I guess in time, well that’s what ppl keep telling me.

I went to the bar on Saturday alone and saw the 2nd half of the Spurs game, I enjoyed myself. :) They played so well! I got a little buzzed, but I was okay being there alone, even with all the couples and people around I was like I can do this. I will survive, and then I met Illi & Patty at the Corkscrew which is quite grown up. It felt fancy, but it was really enjoyable. I am doing well I know I am going to get past it I just wish the little moments weren’t so hard.

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