Each day gets a little easier. I’m a little happier; I’m smiling and laughing a little more. Like genuinely. I can fake a smile & happiness through most situations although I had a few days where I really just couldn’t do it but for the most part I am able to put on a brave face to protect others. But I always let my guard down with a few close friends as we all do or should do at least.
I’ve noticed I’ve been getting happier, this morning I was singing doing work, I’m not sure if its cuz I’m happy or if it’s because the 3 day wknd is coming, which I hope doesn’t fade away when I’m alone this wknd but I think I have enough things going on to help me out with that.
I noticed a spring in my step as I have been walking around the hospital today, and I noticed myself smiling at people and being extra polite. I’m not exactly out-of-love yet but I think I am getting there and I certainly am coming out of my "funk" phase. I was joking w/ a friend today and it was hilarious and it made me smile and it felt like the old me breaking through again.
I still get upset and frustrated, mainly at the fact that I have a home to provide for. I feel like I shouldn’t be the one stuck w/ so much burden but at the same time I am really thankful that I have a home and that I can afford it even if it difficult. I’m glad I’m neither asking nor accepting help from him. This is how it should be, completely independent. In a way I knew it would come to this because I was always cautious and that’s why it’s my house. I made sure I would always be okay before signing anything on the house something told me I would be doing it alone and to be sure I could. I’m glad I think that way, you might say pessimistic but I say smart because think if I had counted on a double income to get it? Exactly!
Part of me likes to pretend I am ready to date, and I think I am. I want to date a guy or two have someone to get to know and talk to as well as someone to do things with, that’s the hardest part is before I always had someone there to say "let’s go to dinner" "let’s go see this movie" "I want a few beers tonight" and my partner was there and we were off to do it. So I’m getting back to the stage of doing things on my own, which before was not a big deal and I know it won’t be hard to get back there but it’ll just take a little time. Maybe within a couple of months I’ll be ready for all of that, dating I mean.
I feel myself getting happy & that’s what counts I feel myself going away from the sadness and depression of grieving for someone I loved. The only scary part is thinking about dating and wondering if I won’t find the one, when you feel like you lost "the one" it’s scary to think no one will be able to live up to my standards of what I expect in a partner but I have hope. In time things will be good for me, I know it. I know I am expecting too much, I want that instant click again and that deep chemistry and understand of each other. I want in a way what I once had but not exactly ;)
I know I am getting there though, thanks for reading.