Thursday, January 31, 2013

Ladies & Gentlemen I Have Seen My Husband

Of course he is not remotely even aware of how in love we are but we really are. He is older, and he has black hair he slicks back, blue collar does something around here but i have no idea what (and by here i mean the hospital). He has tattoos & a scruffy beard. I didn't see a wedding ring (but what does that even mean now-a-days) And i love him.

I don't know what it is but he is so appealing to me. This is the 2nd time i have seen him, the 1st time i was like yum and just so taken off guard. He is not my usual "type" but i liked him. He was with another guy getting breakfast this morning the other dude was cute too. :)

There is not particular reason to share this i just thought i would. OMG...i just realized i have a crush lol. How fun. Lets see if i can get brave enough to speak next time.

In all honestly I'm sure i wont lol but i can pretend.

-MG

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Flirting

This is the silliest thing in the world.

So I IM'd a guy from training for some notes on the stuff we are learning and we just start to chat randomly, it’s really casual then we add each other to fb and he is just like Ur so beautiful. I was kind of flattered he thought I was beautiful, I mean I don’t think I’m an ugly duck but I’ll be honest I HAD really high self-esteem & confidence and this break up kind of shot that down. To me it was nothing; I just thought he was being nice just to be nice. During the whole conversation I was cracking up cuz the dude is quite the character and we find out we have some common interest.

Anyways he was really kind but we weren’t all hitting on each other I mean it’s just AIM how can you really flirt right? We are just trying to pass the time cracking up and stuff and it just felt nice to talk to someone like that. Someone cool as hell w/ my common interest with a silly sense of humor and an interesting "story". Then he said he looked forward to flirting with me next time and I was kind of like o_O lol I guess I haven’t talked to anyone of the opposite sex like that. I guess maybe it is flirting but there is no way for me to really know. lol.

Well the point of this post is that I kind of thought I’m never going to find someone out there who I can get along with the same who has the same interest, who thinks I’m beautiful, etc. But there are people out there, millions of them. Some aren’t that great and others are awesome ppl, now I know this guy isn’t going to be "the one" or anything he lives like in Florida but he is a cool friend and I’m glad I met him because he kind of restored my faith in humanity & more importantly MANkind. He really helped me feel better about my situation just being a friend really. Now I know I shouldn’t need men to make me feel good and all that but sometimes when Ur down on urself and going through a tough time it’s nice to know there are people out there like you.

So this all helped me take the next push into moving on, which I hope to share with you all later...

-MG

Monday, January 28, 2013

Monday Blues

Well I have good things going. I get my 1st paycheck for 2 days of work with 1-800-Flowers. Which is really something I am going to need this week. I’m happy to have a real part time job where I can earn a real check. I need some help and I am so proud of myself though. I am making it happen and making things work. It's not the easiest thing, but I have always struggled financially and managed somehow so I know I will continue to make it.

I am hoping that with my off cycle raise in April that I won’t have to keep the part-time but we will see. I just want to be okay enough that should I don’t need it but it’s going to help me get to my goals. Then I should be okay. But I might get dependent on the funds lol. We will see, I am determined more now than ever before.

I am going to treat myself, since I get paid more than I "need" to make up for my income I am going to get a tattoo this weekend. Maybe two. I want to get my marriage equality tattoo and possible my HP tattoo. I think I finally decided on both. I feel like I am being a bit impulsive but it’s something I really want and I’m excited about and I need something to remind me of all the positive in my life. I have so much to be thankful for. I am trying my best to be positive and stuff and for the most part I am doing well but I have my moments, far between but they are still there.

I think I am not getting mad anymore, I think the anger is running out, as it always does. But the sadness is still there. I feel down, I have moments of greatness and happiness but I get lonely. I miss his touch and his company but I suppose any man's company will do. lol. I think Friday's & Sundays are always the worst. Friday was our night of shenanigans and Sunday was our night to stay in, I know he would be into the new show with me. It would have been nice to have something like that. But that’s the past...moving forward.

I struggle I don’t know when it’s supposed to stop or how it stops. How do you stop thinking about things? How do you forgive & forget? I can forgive but forgetting is the hard part that’s what my mind lingers on the most. The constant thoughts that don’t seem to stop. I guess in time, well that’s what ppl keep telling me.

I went to the bar on Saturday alone and saw the 2nd half of the Spurs game, I enjoyed myself. :) They played so well! I got a little buzzed, but I was okay being there alone, even with all the couples and people around I was like I can do this. I will survive, and then I met Illi & Patty at the Corkscrew which is quite grown up. It felt fancy, but it was really enjoyable. I am doing well I know I am going to get past it I just wish the little moments weren’t so hard.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Part-Time

Well I started my part-time position yesterday. It's a work from home job and I like it so far. It seems fairly basic and easy to me. Of course will take a little bit of effort to get it all down and figured out but similar to InfoNXX where it’s just listening placing and moving right along. :) I know I’ll be a pro in no time and the best part is that I can be all enthusiastic and I’m sure I will get asked back for Mother's Day as well as hoping & praying to be hired on permanently. I think I could do well in a part-time position. I was thinking

Tues- Thurs: 4hrs

Fri & Sat: 8hrs
Sun & Mon: Off

Of course that is over hoping it! lol but that would be my ideal schedule.

I’m excited about this, mainly because it will help with the financial stress I have been dealing with and 2ndly because it gives me something to occupy my mind with. I still have time to think and of course the thoughts bring me down or make me sad or whatever it is that I’m going through but at the same time it's helping. I'm laughing in the training and enjoying myself a little. If my paycheck calculator is correct I will get a nice little amt for the 2 days and it’ll make all the difference in my bills and lifestyle!

I’m hoping he will come through like he said but I am not going to count on it because then if he doesn’t I will just be disappointed. I have to focus on doing things myself. Which I am doing rather well I might add. My January goal is going quite well, taking a vitamin every day. Come February I am determined to keep up with them. :) Sometimes thinking about those things, like right now, makes me feel so damn happy. Like proud of myself that I have focus on other things. I am getting better with a few moments here & there.

So the next chapter of MrsGinobili begins. I'm hoping for the exciting part of being single to begin, I know it’s going to come, later rather than sooner but at least now I can look forward to it. Maybe with a little time in btwn focused on purely myself I will feel more confident and ready when it comes.

-MG

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Girls

Okay I need to blog about this show because it is just so amazing! I really didn’t want to give it a chance originally I had seen the end of the pilot and I was like okay this is weird but I’ve been hearing rave reviews and the main character Lena Dunham won a Golden Globe for her performance and I just love her she is so real when she gave her speech I was like I’ll give it a chance.


I saw 3 episodes yesterday; (starting from the beginning) it was the funniest shit. Like I busted out laughing a few times and that hasn’t happened with a show in quite some time. It takes a bit to make me laugh like that. It was really enjoyable, so I will give my little critique.

The girls are like real girls I kind of feel like a Hannah/Marnie combo but I’m still learning who they are. The only one who we don’t know too much about it Jessa who's accent is like a come & go type of thing. Lol. But they are all really awesome in their own way. Poor Shoshanna is ditzy as hell and so cute, and Marnie the responsible and Hannah who degrades herself for that dude Adam who I really don’t like but I can get with it. It’s just really a real show and the shit they say is funny and I can’t wait to see more of it.

Starting this show is really great timing for me. Like I needed something awesome like this in my life right now. Something that makes me laugh and is relatable. I felt so good after I watched those episodes I would have stayed up all night to finish them but I was like I better read a chapter & get to bed. I’m filling my time and its helping me. I’m so excited to have this show. :)

Today I start the part time so wish me luck! I am so excited to know I’ll be earning about $150.00 in the next two days. Lol I realize that’s petty but I need to bring in some extra income like you wouldn’t believe.

-MG



Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Rage

Lately, obviously, I have been really emotional, I’m going through a transition period in my life, which is understandable but what is starting to scare me a little is the fact that sometimes I have this rage and anger that really unnerves me. For the most part I don’t lash out at anyone who is undeserving or I’m not physical in anyway, I’ve only been that way once and I didn’t like how I felt. I am in control of it somedays but it’s hard to manage it all.

Am I the only person who this happens to? I feel like it takes over my life and my mind and sometimes in way my body. It comes out of nowhere and it is just there this evil dark cloud following me wherever I go reminding me of the pain & anger I’m trying to suppress. I don’t know whether it’s healthy to avoid it or to feed into it. I don’t know if I should embrace it and just allow myself to be angry and mad or if I need to keep fighting it and not let it control me. For the most part I fight it but it hasn’t gone away completely.

The past few days have been good days, not ones without tears or emotion but with moments of happiness, excitement and a bit of pride. I’ve been reaching to God & faith for help with this but it is hard when you have wavering faith and trouble w/ religion as I do. I pray for strength and courage, I pray for faith & guidance and I feel like it helps me. But at the same time I am conflicted because I feel like a hypocrite, one of those people who only turns to God during times of need rather than having his presence always in my life. I struggle with so much now-a-days.

In ways it’s like re-discovering yourself when your life makes a dramatic change, learning to deal with you emotions and thoughts alone, not having someone to confide in makes it a little scary also. I’m learning though. I’m just scared of who I can become holding on to so much anger; I need to let it go to be at peace and to be happy completely but it’s no easy task.

I’m just working through all of this still but I’m hoping for more good days ahead like the past two have been. I have (officially) let go though! That’s good news for me; I no longer want the relationship I used to have or to be with him any longer. The love part is not going away as easily but at least now I know what I want.

-MG

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Things I'll Never Understand

Sometimes people are just awful to each other. They do horrible things to each other & hurt each other and treat other like crap. I wish i had a better word but crap covers what i mean...

I'll never understand how someone can throw away something so good. I dont get that & i dont understand how people think or do what they do. i guess thats humanity, thats how we function. we thrive and do what we need to do to survive not caring about others along our way. no matter how much we may say we care when it comes down to the nitty-gritty we are always going to do for ourselves over each other.

Ive never been a really positive person, ive never been optimistic and all of that, i wouldnt say i was ever bitter but i was realistic. i used to believe in real life, in what ppl are capable of and what they do and how they treat each others. I knew what kind of world i was living in. But i fell in love, i let it consume me. I told myself that i wanted that, that i wanted to be devoted and completely head over heels in love with someone, i wanted to be able to experience that in my life. And i dont think i am glad to have experienced that, but i wouldnt change the experience because then how do you know what you want out of life going forward?

I am not happy at the present but i hope i am not bitter either, i dont think i am but then how do we really know if we are aren't? I am working towards okay but like with everything its one step forward (and in my case) 10 steps backwards. I want to find someone eventually i really do. A partner or a companion. Im not sure if i want the whole love thing again. Right now i say i do but i know i only want a rebound, and i dont want to treat people that way. I just want someone to help me feel that void for the mean time but then again i dont want that. Im scared of possiblities right now.

I do want someone to hold me and just let me cry & yell & be mad & break down. But im trying my hardest to be strong not for anyone exactly just for myself. Just to kind of survive right now. Thats what i feel like i am doing just surviving not living or enjoying anything just making it.

I feel like an asshole, i have so much to be grateful for and so many blessings in my life but i cant seem to embrace them and be thankful for them. Its awful that i am that way and that i can see myself being that way yet i still do it. I am trying to get there, i was a point when i told myself "you are in control of your own happiness" it was my little mantra. Reminding myself that i am better and above all of this and although i do believe that i am having trouble pulling myself up again.

I realize if you are reading my blogs i sound bi-polar and well i honestly feel that way, my mood changes like my underwear sometimes (lol) one day im feeling good and blessed and thankfull and on the verge of happy then the next day i am feeling as though i cant get up out of bed and face the world anymore. I think there is a reason to my certain extreme dip in emotions right now. Without being too much TMI i think mother nature is interferring right now. Which is causing the extreme depression on my end. I hope thats the cause for all of this.

So what is next for me? Where does my "heart" (head) tell me is next and what is right for me? I was always okay alone. I was a very good "alone" person i was happy living alone and marching along to my own drum. I was pleased with my life before love came into it and i feel like i can get back there i just wish i didnt have these constant set backs. I didnt think i would be in this position after 2 months. I am surprised at myself but i am getting better slowly.

So what brought all this on? Seeing someone, and not just physicially seeing someone in front of you but seeing who they are as a person, seeing someone actually change who they are to the core it scared me & rattled me beyond belief. You dont know yourself fully much less anyone else. you never know what humans are really capable of until you see it 1st hand.

So whats next for me? i plan to blog every day i realize thats a bit much and you will probably be annoyed by it but i have to do it. I have to keep track of myself. I hope each day gets better.

And i hope to eventually have a new little initial in my life soon, maybe an R, V or a L. Who knows, ill just keep hoping for the best while preparing for the worst. Im going to get better and I am def going to get happy!

-MG

Friday, January 18, 2013

Happier

Each day gets a little easier. I’m a little happier; I’m smiling and laughing a little more. Like genuinely. I can fake a smile & happiness through most situations although I had a few days where I really just couldn’t do it but for the most part I am able to put on a brave face to protect others. But I always let my guard down with a few close friends as we all do or should do at least.


I’ve noticed I’ve been getting happier, this morning I was singing doing work, I’m not sure if its cuz I’m happy or if it’s because the 3 day wknd is coming, which I hope doesn’t fade away when I’m alone this wknd but I think I have enough things going on to help me out with that.

I noticed a spring in my step as I have been walking around the hospital today, and I noticed myself smiling at people and being extra polite. I’m not exactly out-of-love yet but I think I am getting there and I certainly am coming out of my "funk" phase. I was joking w/ a friend today and it was hilarious and it made me smile and it felt like the old me breaking through again.

I still get upset and frustrated, mainly at the fact that I have a home to provide for. I feel like I shouldn’t be the one stuck w/ so much burden but at the same time I am really thankful that I have a home and that I can afford it even if it difficult. I’m glad I’m neither asking nor accepting help from him. This is how it should be, completely independent. In a way I knew it would come to this because I was always cautious and that’s why it’s my house. I made sure I would always be okay before signing anything on the house something told me I would be doing it alone and to be sure I could. I’m glad I think that way, you might say pessimistic but I say smart because think if I had counted on a double income to get it? Exactly!

Part of me likes to pretend I am ready to date, and I think I am. I want to date a guy or two have someone to get to know and talk to as well as someone to do things with, that’s the hardest part is before I always had someone there to say "let’s go to dinner" "let’s go see this movie" "I want a few beers tonight" and my partner was there and we were off to do it. So I’m getting back to the stage of doing things on my own, which before was not a big deal and I know it won’t be hard to get back there but it’ll just take a little time. Maybe within a couple of months I’ll be ready for all of that, dating I mean.

I feel myself getting happy & that’s what counts I feel myself going away from the sadness and depression of grieving for someone I loved. The only scary part is thinking about dating and wondering if I won’t find the one, when you feel like you lost "the one" it’s scary to think no one will be able to live up to my standards of what I expect in a partner but I have hope. In time things will be good for me, I know it. I know I am expecting too much, I want that instant click again and that deep chemistry and understand of each other. I want in a way what I once had but not exactly ;)

I know I am getting there though, thanks for reading.

-MG

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Adjustments...cont'd

It is insanely cold here in Houston today. It's 32 degrees and i just did not want to get out of my bed! I'm slowly getting back to my normal sleeping habits, it has taken some time to adjust, just being alone and stuff. I've been so tired lately its kind of odd but I've been sleeping really well like the past 2-3 nights which i am happy about. :) Of course the 4:30am wake-up is never something i want to do but getting off of work at 2:30pm is definitley worth it.

I am slowly starting to incorporate new elements into my life to make the transition easier...

The 1st Adjustment was when at 1st w/ E being gone i was so overwhelmed not only by the end of my relationship but also about having a new home to keep up with and finances. Well i made a cleaning schedule where i do one chore a day everyday of the week, i am hoping it helps me to keep the place in order as well as not feel so overwhelmed all the time.  Monday i started with taking all the Christmas stuff down and it felt good. This is the schedule i made.

S: Dust
M: Trash/Restrooms
T: Vacuum
W: Dishes
T: Kitchen
F: Sweep/Mop
S: Laundry

So far i have been keeping to it, we will see how the rest of the week goes, i am open to adjusting things. Maybe like combining Dishes & Kitchen and opening a day to clean my room specifically like washing sheets & vacuuming etc. It has been a little difficult doing everything on my own but i am managing and learning that if i pace my self i will get there. It not easy but its working so far.  Ill admit i spent at least 2 good weeks just not doing anything and just being overwhelmed but i figured i had to start somewhere and so far so good.

The Second Adjustment i have made is working on finances. I am officially on my own for all of the household bills and everything, it is really scary. I made sure i could afford everything before i bought the house on my own and i can it still scary to be on a strict budget though. I have my finances almost down to the cent. I am working on it and its not easy but i am trying and i am going to do well. But this is the 2nd aspect i am trying to incorporate into my lifestyle. Its hard to be on such a strict budget and yet still try to find time and money to have fun and go out with people etc. :( But for now i am going to do what i can and hope things work out.

The Third Adjustment is the new part time position. It's a work from home so that is the best part! And at $9/hr thats not too shabby for something like phone orders. I am a little nervous of course because its new and its learning stuff all over and all of that can be both scary and stuff but getting paid will be lovely and all of that money is going to pay my last credit card! Which i still will make a big difference. I realize it may not seem like much but with that expense gone it will help me tremendously! Then i just get to focus on my monthly utilities and mortgage, and i can focus on one of my new years resolutions Getting New Furniture! I really cant wait for that day! Along w/ decorating the house. I have lots of goals for the coming year and i plan to get there no matter how difficult the journey maybe i am going to get there.

So although i have lots of adjustments to make and things are still in the early phase and i am learning all of this, its been 2 months to the day since we broke up, im not sure if they days have gotten better or not, there are good days & bad days but overall i am okay with where i am and excited for where my life is headed.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Adjustments

It's been a long while since I have blogged here. Lately I've been keeping a private journal of sorts...a "diary" if you will. But I think I am ready to dip my toe back into the water of blogging. And for darn good reason I have lots of free time.


I bought a house last February it was a long process but I'm enjoying being a homeowner. So much responsibility and time it takes to care for a home but it really has been a blessing. Originally it was supposed to be two of us in our home but that didn't work out, however I planned ahead and things are going well just me alone. I am still working on furnishing the house and decorating it how I want but it all takes time & lots of money! So it’s a little-by-little process.

I am newly single, the 4yr long relationship I had with E ended in November, I am still adjusting to what I thought would be "the rest of my life" it’s weird to be on my own again but I'm working on being completely happy single. I was there at one point and I really hope to be there again of course I would rather be there sooner than later but can’t rush things that take time. I haven't discussed the end of our relationship with anyone at least not to full extent and I will continue to keep that private. I strongly believe in "not airing your dirty laundry" all I can say is I that after many years I still love him and I wish him the best & all the happiness in the world.

I am going to start a part-time position next week working for 1-800-Flowers at home. I am really looking forward to doing this, not only for the extra income but also to kill time and allow me to focus on other things. I am really hoping I get picked up for permanent part time but I will do what I can and enjoy it while it lasts. Might not be getting any sleep during valentine’s week but still it'll be worth the extra income.

I have some really great friends, people who for some reason continue to stick w/ me. I don't deserve them but I am truly thankful for them.

It's hard to adjust to a life when in your mind you had it planned, it’s hard to get back to where you were before, going backwards. It doesn't mean it’s bad it’s just not easy. I am learning that now. I have a lot going for me and I am very grateful and happy for my blessings but at the same time there is a transition period. I want to be able to start over positively and still remain hopeful to find someone who can be my companion. :)

I hope to come around here a lot more often... be talking to you all soon!