Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Security

E and I have always been a mostly happy couple. A year in and of course we have had a few fights. Some lasting longer than others. And some worse than others. But after all of them we have managed to talk thru them and come to an understanding or solution or just overall things are ok. Better than before usually. We have or should i say had this very strong foundation and beautiful relationship. Friday my world was rocked and i lost that security i had with him.

Dont get me wrong we talked thru it, i said what i needed to say and he did to and we are happy together and in love but i feel a slight piece is missing. I feel that something is off. Something does not quite feel as complete as it once was. I dont know what it is. Or maybe i do but i dont want to admit it to myself.

See i told him that i knew i wanted to spend my life with him, of course you cant say forever and no matter what cause things happen, people change & life doesnt pan out the way we had hoped. But right now and in the forseeable future i want to be with him. He cant tell me the same, he loves me i know that he wants to be with me but i dont think he can actually give me the security that i want. That i thought we had. Im ok, somehow, its hard to know that but i know that its going to be ok for now.

I guess in the end i think this relationship is great in every single way, but now im at the point where i dont expect anything from it. I dont expect a family anymore, i dont expect a home, and i dont expect the future i had once planned. I know he would be so upset if he read this. We always talk about traveling & moving to different cities together. We talk about kids and getting a place together. We talk about kids all the time actually but i dont see it anymore. I feel like that future was robbed from me, but i guess i should have known better.

I dont know if this is something i ever want to tell him, partially cause i hope its not true and partially cause i dont know if i can take admitting that to him out loud. right now, even tho i feel like my life has changed im far too selfish to give him up. I want to be with him, i love him, he loves me and im so happy with him. It's just now i a piece is missing from our puzzle.

He always says that you dont know how life will go. So i guess i shouldnt lose all hope for a real future with him but i have lost some, and at this point at 24 years old and the mess that i am living here in Houston i guess thats not too much. Could be worse. Ill just take it a day at a time and hope that slowly and eventually i will get that security in our relationship i once had back. I dont like this feeling i have now.