Monday, May 10, 2010

Good & Bad

It seems like my blogs are always so bipolar, when i reread them sometimes they make me laugh.

This weekend was great, my friend graduated with her Masters in Social Work. At her party we had a great time, met up with old high school friends and just enjoyed myself.

I realize how lucky i am, i looked at my friends and all are doing so great but yet all of them have such great responsibilities and im still chillin. lol. I just dont have a lot going on for the most part and i like it that way. Some are single parents, some are getting married, some are married with kids. It is so crazy to see how everyone has changed in such a short amount of time. I wonder about my strength sometimes, i wonder if i could handle thier loads.

One great friend has a child and the father is in jail, her parents are all over the place and she cant depend on them for help it is truly just her. Thats so amazing to me, im proud of her and how hard she works but i wonder if i could handle the same load.

Even tho some days money frustrates me and bills and appt and meetings and work i know that the load could get so much heavier and that things could be so worse off. I'm holding it together as best i can.

I appreciate E but our current dilemma is that he has money & i don't. I can barely afford the bills, i know that a lot of it is the probation, im putting out at least $200 a month for my car stuff and probation costs which would be my spare money, i dont need much to survive or have fun but now im at the point where i dont even have much. In his mind he doesn't care that he pays all the time and he wants to do whatever we want and he wants me to go to. I cant do that, to me its so wrong, i want to be able to help to, at least pay for a meal once or twice, or be able to afford to put gas in my car to go somewhere or even do special little things like he does for me. And i cant do that, i cant be the girlfriend i want to be. I don't want him to help with bills or my expenses he should have to, my problem is mine alone. I just need him to understand and although he does he is still stubborn on this. We cant seem to find a compromise. I wonder if we will, in November things should get easier & in February of next year they should be increasingly better. But until then we need to figure something out. i don't know what, any suggestions?

Mostly i am very happy in my life but there are times when stuff gets overwhelming or hard, it could always be worse but it could also be better. I hope that soon i get this figured out. Very soon.

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