Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Honeymoon Is Over

We are going on a year of being together. We have had a strong and sturdy relationship all this time. We hardly use to fight and when we did it was so brief, like we would be over it in minutes. We would talk through it and resolve it. We never went to sleep angry or not talking.

Recently and i do mean recently maybe just the past 2 wks or so we have had trouble. We seem to keep fighting, i think a lot is me. I know some is him. Mostly me because when something (outside or inside the relationship) is bothering me i take it out on the world around me and that is E. He is my world. He means so much to me and i have never felt a love like this, yes I'm only 24 and who knows he might not be the last relationship i ever have, although i would like him to be, but its the strongest I've ever felt.

I grew up with a lot of dysfunctional relationships around me, i never thought i would find "the one" i never even felt that existed. I feel that way with E. From the day we met i fell in love and not "love and first sight" i fell in love with the person he is and the way we talked. He has just been great.

So now we fought and we fight and i want to be better and try to understand whats going on between us. I want to fix the problems but i just don't know. I asked him if he still wanted to be with me and he couldn't say yes or no right away. That literally broke my heart into a million tiny little pieces. I am more than willing to try harder to fix our relationship i want to work at it, and I've never before even felt the need to want to work at a relationship but i am more than willing now. Of course he later said he did want to work on it and wants to be with me but that made me feel like he was doubtful that really hurt more than i can ever imagine. that is something i never want to feel again.

Ive always been this really rough person i don't like to share my feelings or talk things out. But i feel like he is asking me to change for him but he cant even say that he wants to be with me. I know he doesn't want me to change for him in that sense but just to be more open to be willing to work thru our fights and misunderstandings and try to get past all of this. I feel conflicted.

The Pre-E part of me wants to tell him that if he cant say he wants to be with me, is the same as saying he doesn't love me, and why should i work on our relationship when its so obviously doomed to fail. The new side of me wants to do whatever it takes to make it better so that we feel like we have been feeling before all of this.

I want this to work more than i have ever wanted anything in my life but im also unsure now cause i feel like he doesnt want to be with me. Funny how all this can come from one little statement.

:(