Thursday, November 18, 2010

Long Over Due

So this blog is long overdue I'm trying to avoid doing my work today so i thought i would touch up on some updates very brief but still.

So I asked the horrible roommate to move out. And she will be gone by the beginning of the year! I am thrilled about this, no longer cleaning up after her and no longer having 10 lights on during the day when she isn't home and no more have to move her car all the time. I cant wait for her to be gone and clean and have the place like i want it! really looking forward to this!

E & I are doing very well, we have had our little spats from time to time but nothing worth writing home about. We are so very happy & in love and i really could not ask for things to be any better. He is my other half in every sense of the saying. Without him i am not whole and i am so loving how things are and more importantly where they are. i would be happy being this happy for the rest of our lives.

Probation is less than 2 weeks from being over. I go to court December 1st to finish all this drama and get the paperwork signed! I cannot wait! I really am overjoyed about this! But trust me i have learned my lesson and i have struggled and i have gone without and had to say no to things and people and it has been hard but I'm ready for this speed bump in my life to be over which could not have even been possible had it not been for my amazing parents and their infinite support and for E.

My family is doing well also. My parents are enjoying their second marriage, my sister and i are trying to mend our broke relationship, my grandma is off of medicines for now. Although it breaks my heart sometimes as i see her week or talk of her plans when her life ends i know she is at peace with things and that makes me happy. She will be fine and in the mean time I'm glad she is off her medicines to enjoy her time. They really take a toll on her.

Our future is looking promising and I'm excited. With the roommate leaving we are going to do some rearranging and organizing of the house to make it our own. I really cannot wait for all this to begin. Its like all coming together at the same time. E's new job, my new position, roommate leaving, probation ending wonderful things all coming to us.

So my next step which i am a little excited and a bit nervous about is def school. I want to enroll in the summer if not fall for sure. I think fall would be better to give me sometime to save some money. But i am ready to go back and finish with my associates and possibly put that to rest. I just have this need to finish it. Then from there we shall see.

Although i don't want to jump ahead of myself i do see perhaps a baby in the horizon, the far horizon, like still 3-5yrs away but not with so much changing in my life right now i see it as a possibility and that makes me happy.

And lastly i cannot forget my Spurs, off to a 9-1 start of the season, doing amazingly well! I could not be prouder. Something about the Spurs is when they are doing well it makes me so much happier and so much positive almost like they reflect my life/feelings. Its awesome when they are doing awesome.

So i will leave you now, wishing you a very happy holidays and we shall speak again soon, very soon i hope. Next time i wont stay away too long.


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Friends?...Ha!

So today i am upset for numerous reasons, but today i choose to talk about supposed friends. Now 1st let me state that this blog is not referring to anyone of my online friends. First of all the relationship i have with my online friends is even better than the one i have with my "real life" friends. And also you expect certain things from the ppl you see often as opposed to those you have met online. There is a difference, and yet i feel my online friends are better than the real ones.

Ive been fundraising for Team Honey, a team of the Race for the Cure on October 2nd here in Houston, we are racing in honor of my grandma who at 72 is still fighting Breast Cancer and doing quite well i might add. Everyone who knows me personally knows that she means the world to me, and to my family, I've asked ppl to donate $1, i mean i figure we have lots of family, she has 13 brothers and sisters, who all have kids and kids and kids. So you would think $1 a piece we should easily reach our $500 goal.

Well these ppl for years that i have called friends, who i have helped out who we've talked about anything and everything have not donated to my fundraiser. I was so sad and bummed at first then i just got mad. 1 "friend" who isn't working and going to school, her mom pretty much takes care of her and she is living off of loans i assume, she is also the infamous and horrible roommate. We use to be so close and great friends and now we aren't i suppose. I don't get how she goes out and parties and does all this and she isn't even working and yet she cant donate to me. It makes me mad how selfish ppl can be, have have known each other and been friends since 8th grade! like wtf. the other just graduated with her masters and is working now and nothing. we don't even talk anymore. I've at least gotten some promises of donations from others and i understand we are in financial struggles i should know more than most, (shoot i had a half gallon of milk go bad and i cant afford to replace it) but i try to help especially if i know this is something important to one of my friends. so for now I'm just mad. I'm furious really. ppl from online have donated to me, and more than i have requested. ppl i have never met in person can realize something is important to me and can help. yet ppl who i have spent my life with cant understand this. they haven't even been a good enough person to say "hey i really cant donate right now but ill try to before the deadline" or "i know your raising money so i am going to try to get some donations for you since i cant help" no they can even live with you and walk by you like nothing ever happened.

so I'm mad, i don't think i need ppl like this in my life. its not too much to ask i think for $1 from "friends" from ppl who are suppose to care about you, god i hope i never need blood or a kidney, id sooner have it mailed from a twitter friend than from someone I've known for years.

(im not even bothering to proofread or edit this i just needed to get this off my chest)

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Tired of My Job

This is the longest job I have ever had in my life. I've only been places slightly over a year. That was the longest most didn't make a year. I get bored so easily (which is a huge reason i haven't finished school, cant pick a major or at least i can pick em but i cant stick to them).

I'm just ready for a change. For me sitting behind the desk doing data entry having nothing to stare at besides Farmville/Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr. It drives me insane. I feel myself getting more bored as the time passes. I don't even have enough work to keep myself busy that's another bad part.

I want to transfer to the hospital and have patient interaction or at least somewhere where there is more going on. Shoot even a receptionist answering phones will make time go by faster. I just need a change.

I really want to stay with MDA i like the hospital and the bonuses and benefits work for me. i like where I'm located that another plus but i just need a change. I don't understand how some people do this for years or their whole life. Just needed to vent some.

E says we will find a new job and things will be better, and i believe him I'm counting down the days until i can apply for a new position. I'm officially eligible September 16th. Wish me luck. I need to move!

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

I Surprise Myself

Sometimes before you are actually in a situation you say i would never put up with that. Or if this happened i would definitely do that. I see it happen a lot especially with infidelity. Friends would say I'm not going to put up with that and then down the road they say well its different cause we are married or have a kid etc.

I'm the same. I said i wouldn't put up with certain things. And i know i still wont but something has arose. Something that i never said never to but at the same time i didn't think i would be able to stick around through. And when i found out my own reaction shocked the shit outta me. lol. I'm glad tho it meant a few things about us. 1st it meant i truly trust him. 2nd it meant our relationship is strong.

Together we will find a way through our little obstacle. I guess I'm growing. Hey who knew that could happen. lol. But I'm happy for it. I'm dealing with things a lot better than i would have thought. And its not that serious but i guess it could be if you let it become. We will be alright. After all we have each other.

I guess its true, Never say "Never". Cause well you never know. :)

UPDATE:
THE BEST PART ABOUT THIS WAS THAT I WAS RIGHT. I STUCK THROUGH IT WE GOT PAST IT AND IT ALL TURNED OUT TO BE A HUGE MISTAKE. THERE WAS NEVER ANY NEED TO WORRY. :)

Thursday, July 01, 2010

4th of July

I remember how we spent last 4th of July. It was lovely just me and him. And i find that our plans for this 4th of July are the same! lol.

Friday after work im going to do the chores and laundry etc while he is working since he is on nights. I don't want us to worry about silly things during this weekend and i also dont want to worry about having no underwear on Monday! lol.

Things have been solid for a while. In all aspects of my life. Work is boring but decent. E and I are happy and doing way better after our spat a few weeks ago. Probation is winding down I'm on mail in status which means i only have to go in every 3rd month, and i only have 5 left. I get my interlock removed from my car in a few weeks. Money is finally in a decent place, I'm no big spender but I'm okay. I'm happy, well of course I am worried about Hurricane season approaching, as Alex has already had some impact but still I'm peaceful.

Saturday we are going to a pub that has the best Philly cheese-steak and Jalapeno Poppers I have had and Sunday E bbqs for me I want hot dogs after all it's Independence Day that's the most fitting thing to have on the menu and frito pies. And the day will be spent watching NetFlix. I'm looking forward to it!

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Security

E and I have always been a mostly happy couple. A year in and of course we have had a few fights. Some lasting longer than others. And some worse than others. But after all of them we have managed to talk thru them and come to an understanding or solution or just overall things are ok. Better than before usually. We have or should i say had this very strong foundation and beautiful relationship. Friday my world was rocked and i lost that security i had with him.

Dont get me wrong we talked thru it, i said what i needed to say and he did to and we are happy together and in love but i feel a slight piece is missing. I feel that something is off. Something does not quite feel as complete as it once was. I dont know what it is. Or maybe i do but i dont want to admit it to myself.

See i told him that i knew i wanted to spend my life with him, of course you cant say forever and no matter what cause things happen, people change & life doesnt pan out the way we had hoped. But right now and in the forseeable future i want to be with him. He cant tell me the same, he loves me i know that he wants to be with me but i dont think he can actually give me the security that i want. That i thought we had. Im ok, somehow, its hard to know that but i know that its going to be ok for now.

I guess in the end i think this relationship is great in every single way, but now im at the point where i dont expect anything from it. I dont expect a family anymore, i dont expect a home, and i dont expect the future i had once planned. I know he would be so upset if he read this. We always talk about traveling & moving to different cities together. We talk about kids and getting a place together. We talk about kids all the time actually but i dont see it anymore. I feel like that future was robbed from me, but i guess i should have known better.

I dont know if this is something i ever want to tell him, partially cause i hope its not true and partially cause i dont know if i can take admitting that to him out loud. right now, even tho i feel like my life has changed im far too selfish to give him up. I want to be with him, i love him, he loves me and im so happy with him. It's just now i a piece is missing from our puzzle.

He always says that you dont know how life will go. So i guess i shouldnt lose all hope for a real future with him but i have lost some, and at this point at 24 years old and the mess that i am living here in Houston i guess thats not too much. Could be worse. Ill just take it a day at a time and hope that slowly and eventually i will get that security in our relationship i once had back. I dont like this feeling i have now.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Great Night

So on Saturday, my loving boyfriend took me out. We did what we did a year ago and it was fabulous. I had such a good time we just talked and laughed and drank. And i realized that wow, i have literally documented the last year of my life on twitter.

I remember meeting him and tweeting that whole night. I had had such a great time. It was crazy to me. Cause i realized how big a part twitter (well my twitter family) is to me. The people i have met on there are amazing and can always say something funny when you need it, offer great advice or just to wish you a good day.

I think ive become super dependent on my twitter friends. Like i find myself needing them. I dont think a day goes by that i dont tweet. But i also think its a healthy thing. To have ppl who arent directly in your life to be able to talk to. To confide in people that may not know everything about you but who are still a big part of your life. Its interesting the internet friends i have made. And its great. I love them.

Also i love E, spending the evening with him the way we did was perfect, i could not have asked for a better night. I also got 2 free beers, one from our bartender who always buys us one now like we are bffs lol and then another from our other bartender who gave it to me cause a guy ordered it then decided he wanted draft lol. So i was super happy. We then went to West Grey Cafe and had a gyro, and OMG it was delicious perfectly cooked.

Being the old couple that we have become we were home and in bed by 1am but it was great spent the best night i could have asked for. And im so excited to have him move in, i even made room in the closest and cleared him some drawers, eventually we are going to get 2 tall dressers but for now we are sharing. Im excited! :)

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

1 Year

Wow it seems like we just met. Like he just pulled up that chair next me. Yet here we are a year later. I'm excited as we have been doing really well and we just made a big step together. Actually we just discussed it about an hour ago.

We have decided to move in together, well he is going to move in with me & my roommate. I'm a little nervous but i love having him there all the time, and i also feel like him moving in with me is a safer step than us going out and signing a lease somewhere. We always talk about "later" getting a house together and all that and hopefully that is in our near future but for now id like to do this for a year or so. Get our feet wet.

I knew a long time ago i wanted him to move in with me but i wasn't sure when, or if he was even ready to live with someone. I knew i wasn't before but this always felt so right. Me & him. So I'm excited, i guess this is how we will be celebrating our 1 year.

Just wanted to share that little tidbit with you all.

:)

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Sisterly Love?

I am so tired of my family fighting. All they do is fight, its always divided and us against them, them against us. It makes me so tired and i hate it. People wonder why i don't want kids or wonder why i don't want to get married or wonder why i freaking hate Houston. Cause my family is here and no matter how much i love them, i hate living here with them.

My dad will be an ass with my mom, and my mom loves him so much she puts up with it. Then this only happens sometimes. Most times they are great together but it seems every now and then he gets in his little moods. Then my sister, first of all even tho i love her i cant stand her, i hate being around i hate talking to her cause everything she says is bullshit. I'm sorry i know that sounds harsh but it is. She is constantly saying shit that she doesn't even know about. And then her and my dad gang up on my mom, my mom is the sweetest kindest woman, she deals with so much and i feel like I'm her only ally. I cant leave her yet i cant stand to see her go through what she puts up with.

Ive always gotten along with both my parents. And the next statement I'm about to make is a huge accusation and you may think I'm wrong for saying it but its true. My sister is the one who causes all these problems.

Never has my biological sister ever made me feel good. She has always been mean to me since we were younger and she never looks out for me. She is incredibly selfish and only does for the loser men that come in and out of her life and for her friends yet she expects us to pick up the pieces when her friends or the current boyfriend drop her. She is so stupid with guys, i cant tell you the amount of debt that she has gotten into by buying these guys stuff and taking care of them. My parents have now had to move her at least 3 times because of the crappy relationships she gets herself into.

I get so frustrated with my family and i just don't know what to do, i have so much shit on my plate with probation and my own bills i don't need this from them. You would think, considering my sister fucked me with the lawyer she made me get, she would help, not once has she offered after she said she would, its been a year since i got arrested, and i can count on my hand how much she has helped me. This considering i didn't have a license i have payments she got me into that i cant afford and just her overall lack of being a sister.

My cousin has been more of a sister than her. She would call to see if i needed to go anywhere and she would take me places just to get me out of the house. E has also stepped in to take care of me. Then my sister wants to talk shit cause we go do things, like when we went to SA for my birthday n the playoffs. Yeah well my boyfriend took me and paid for it all. And what did my sister do, i got a crappy birthday facebook wall post, not even an offer for lunch or anything.

I really don't think i can be around her, i will literally tell her off and make her cry if i see her anytime soon. Then who will come in to tell me something, my dad, cause he has to defend her cause me and my mom pick on her so they say. My mom and i don't talk to her cause when we do its nothing but attitude, i really don't know if i can handle any more of this family. I'm so ready to leave. December is too far away.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Good & Bad

It seems like my blogs are always so bipolar, when i reread them sometimes they make me laugh.

This weekend was great, my friend graduated with her Masters in Social Work. At her party we had a great time, met up with old high school friends and just enjoyed myself.

I realize how lucky i am, i looked at my friends and all are doing so great but yet all of them have such great responsibilities and im still chillin. lol. I just dont have a lot going on for the most part and i like it that way. Some are single parents, some are getting married, some are married with kids. It is so crazy to see how everyone has changed in such a short amount of time. I wonder about my strength sometimes, i wonder if i could handle thier loads.

One great friend has a child and the father is in jail, her parents are all over the place and she cant depend on them for help it is truly just her. Thats so amazing to me, im proud of her and how hard she works but i wonder if i could handle the same load.

Even tho some days money frustrates me and bills and appt and meetings and work i know that the load could get so much heavier and that things could be so worse off. I'm holding it together as best i can.

I appreciate E but our current dilemma is that he has money & i don't. I can barely afford the bills, i know that a lot of it is the probation, im putting out at least $200 a month for my car stuff and probation costs which would be my spare money, i dont need much to survive or have fun but now im at the point where i dont even have much. In his mind he doesn't care that he pays all the time and he wants to do whatever we want and he wants me to go to. I cant do that, to me its so wrong, i want to be able to help to, at least pay for a meal once or twice, or be able to afford to put gas in my car to go somewhere or even do special little things like he does for me. And i cant do that, i cant be the girlfriend i want to be. I don't want him to help with bills or my expenses he should have to, my problem is mine alone. I just need him to understand and although he does he is still stubborn on this. We cant seem to find a compromise. I wonder if we will, in November things should get easier & in February of next year they should be increasingly better. But until then we need to figure something out. i don't know what, any suggestions?

Mostly i am very happy in my life but there are times when stuff gets overwhelming or hard, it could always be worse but it could also be better. I hope that soon i get this figured out. Very soon.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Honeymoon Is Over

We are going on a year of being together. We have had a strong and sturdy relationship all this time. We hardly use to fight and when we did it was so brief, like we would be over it in minutes. We would talk through it and resolve it. We never went to sleep angry or not talking.

Recently and i do mean recently maybe just the past 2 wks or so we have had trouble. We seem to keep fighting, i think a lot is me. I know some is him. Mostly me because when something (outside or inside the relationship) is bothering me i take it out on the world around me and that is E. He is my world. He means so much to me and i have never felt a love like this, yes I'm only 24 and who knows he might not be the last relationship i ever have, although i would like him to be, but its the strongest I've ever felt.

I grew up with a lot of dysfunctional relationships around me, i never thought i would find "the one" i never even felt that existed. I feel that way with E. From the day we met i fell in love and not "love and first sight" i fell in love with the person he is and the way we talked. He has just been great.

So now we fought and we fight and i want to be better and try to understand whats going on between us. I want to fix the problems but i just don't know. I asked him if he still wanted to be with me and he couldn't say yes or no right away. That literally broke my heart into a million tiny little pieces. I am more than willing to try harder to fix our relationship i want to work at it, and I've never before even felt the need to want to work at a relationship but i am more than willing now. Of course he later said he did want to work on it and wants to be with me but that made me feel like he was doubtful that really hurt more than i can ever imagine. that is something i never want to feel again.

Ive always been this really rough person i don't like to share my feelings or talk things out. But i feel like he is asking me to change for him but he cant even say that he wants to be with me. I know he doesn't want me to change for him in that sense but just to be more open to be willing to work thru our fights and misunderstandings and try to get past all of this. I feel conflicted.

The Pre-E part of me wants to tell him that if he cant say he wants to be with me, is the same as saying he doesn't love me, and why should i work on our relationship when its so obviously doomed to fail. The new side of me wants to do whatever it takes to make it better so that we feel like we have been feeling before all of this.

I want this to work more than i have ever wanted anything in my life but im also unsure now cause i feel like he doesnt want to be with me. Funny how all this can come from one little statement.

:(

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Oh Metro

Today i got a warning for not tapping my QCard before i got on the rail. I tapped it when i got on the bus but yes when i transferred i didnt tap it to get on the rail. I understand the reasoning behind this but i am so furious this morning because of 3 reason.
  1. When you tap it on the bus it deducts your fair $1.25, when you "transfer" to the rail & tap it again, it does not make a deduction because it is considered 1 trip. Therefore i paid my fair and even had i tapped it, no money would have been deducted.
  2. When you are rushing to the rail that is about to leave and you tap your card a lot of times the train will not wait for you to pay your fair and will leave so most times (knowing i have already paid) i just jump on as to not miss the train and have to wait!
  3. Before 7am most ppl riding the rail are honest ppl heading to work like myself, we pay our fair and yet in times like this we get warnings or citations, where are these Metro Police in midday or late afternoon when there are tons of ppl who obviously dont pay and have no intention of paying but just riding for free. I think at that hour you can tell we are just trying to get to work and we pay our fair whether we "tapped" or not!
So i got my little warning which i will now have to submit to my PO, its just upsetting this is not a fair way to go about this. I understand the officer is just enforcing, its his job but at the same time why should he not be able to let me go when i obviously paid my fair and have done no harm. I guess in the end its like we, the ppl who have little mishaps like this, who have to pay these fines in order to let those other Houstonians ride for free, cause honestly if you fine a homeless person or someone who doesnt care enough to pay or have a QCard chances are they dont pay these fines even if they get them.

Thanks Houston Metro, we are all going places now!

Monday, February 08, 2010

#1 Fan

My God Family has been in my life before i could talk or walk, they are a huge part of my life. And this weekend i noticed something that i guess I've always known but it still warmed my heart.

My God Brother Carlos, he is like maybe 10 years older than me and i grew up with his family. His mom was my babysitter since i was months old and eventually she became my God Mother. Well every since i can remember he has been into rock n roll, Spanish rock that type of stuff. He has had a band for years and he has been on the music scene since high school. He's not a big name he has played a few shows in various cities in Texas and also a few other states. Needless to say music is his passion it is something he will never give up.

My God Parents on the other hand are traditional Mexican, born and raised in Mexico and they came here for the "American Dream" right.... Anyways my God Mother understands but wont speak English and my Godfather is the same way. Of course i know he speaks it to clients cause he runs his own business but i don't think i have ever heard him talk it myself but i know he knows. lol.

So this weekend my god brother/neighbor came around to let us know he was having a party. He lives on one side of me in a duplex, that his parents own, and his parents live on the other side of me in a house. So he was going to be playing loud until about midnight. No big deal to me right? He invited us and everything. So we go over, its not really our scene the whole rock and roll thing but of course I'm going to go how can i not.

The thing that was so touching was seeing my godmother. Carlos is like 30 something he has pursued this dream of music forever, and altho his parents don't even understand the music he plays and in all honesty they may not even like it, it never ceases to amaze me how support of him they are. I could not get past the image of my Godmother in her little sweater and sweatpants walking around with her little granny glasses on taking picture with her digital camera. I mean the scene is a bunch of punk rockers all in black, pretty drunk listening to her son play and cheering him on. It seemed so odd to me but so sweet and beautiful. Her unyielding support of her son. I just think of the day when i have a kid and he may come to me wanting to do or be apart of something i don't understand but i hope to be like her. I want to be that mom who is just so proud, even at midnight with the cops coming to shut down the party she is out there supporting her son.

It was just something i saw this weekend that i wanted to share, an odd picture but a beautiful sentiment. I hope all of you have something or someone like this in your life to support you no matter what. I think my parents would do the same...

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

If It's Not One Thing...

It's another. That says is soooo true. You hear it all the time, i know i always heard it from my parents but i thought it was something adults say. lol. This blog is going to be short and just me complaining.

So im dealing with the probation thing okay. But its like i was so excited to get my income taxe back and pay off my entire fees. Then $300 goes to a plumber, of course i dont have to pay it off right now, my fees. But i was trying really hard to get ahead. It sucks but im dealing with it. Then i get into a huge argument with my sister over dinner when i was just trying to go and chill out. Then i am still having a pain in my back, and i might possibly have scabies. So im keeping E/Trouble away cause i dont want him to get them. Im having to stay up way past my bed time for this damn breathalyzer that makes me get up at 11pm.

Im frustrated but i needed to vent. Im going to be okay i know that. I keep thinking things could be way worse and it makes me feel better. I just sometimes want to cry. But on a good note although i hate being without E i think some time alone will do me some good. Maybe watch a few chick flicks, get the crying out, read a book or two. Do some girly stuff, you know paint my toes, pluck my eyebrows, wash my hair lol.

Im feeling better already just sometimes it seems like a never ending cycle. But again things could be worse and im surviving. Im living, im able to wake up every morning. I have a family that loves me and helps me. I have a boyfriend who loves me and cares for me. All in all things are good....