Monday, November 30, 2009

Overwhelmed

I've officially gotten overwhelmed. My emotions are all over the place at this point. Even typing this i am trembling a bit. I'd finally gotten to a "happy" place. A place where i am content where im not asking for more and just letting things flow. And now i have to face reality cause on Wednesday i go to court. Hopefully this is the last court date. But who knows.

I'm really nervous and I'm realizing that i am getting overwhelmed with everything. My feelings are all over the place and i have another situation which is not helping but that my friends is for another blog.

I just don't know if this is something i can handle. I realize the program is the best choice i can go a year without drinking i can do without driving for a while, i am doing it right now. But i don't know if i can afford this. And if you mess up anywhere. even once, like missing a pymt you get automatically 30 days in jail. Yeah and that sucks. As it is im making it financially. I am paying my bills and we still get to do some stuff but im struggling this is the first time i am on my own completely.

I haven't been thinking about it because every time i do i get nervous and start crying. That's another thing, my emotions are wild. I get mad over everything, annoyed at the smallest things, i start crying for no reason, shoot that sounds like a pregnant woman, lol. I try to control myself and just relax but realistically its not something you can make yourself do.

I'm just hoping i can get away without having to get either of the 2 things that are the most money. 1 is the interlock in my car, which i cant drive until March anyways, or the SCRAM device which i have to wear, its an ankle monitor that reads my alcohol intake. But both are very expensive and require a monthly cost which i cant afford. I didn't want to take the program but my lawyer says that it is cheaper than taking the conviction. Also i do get my record expunged at the end of it, which its 12-24 month long program.

A year of my life seems too much to ask for a misdemeanor charge. I understand that what i did was wrong and its not ok, but at the same time i have a friend would had a felony amt of drugs on him and was arrested and let go on a 6 month probation and fine. Something about this isn't evening out. I could understand if i had anything on my record but I've never done anything wrong, other than a few speeding tickets which my last was more than 2 years ago. I just feel that this is too much to risk on something that im not sure i can complete.

I feel like the program is more about taking your money than "helping" those who need it. Who knows if ill even get approved for it. I don't have a drinking problem, and those ppl out there who do I'm sure are already back behind the wheel.

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