Monday, November 30, 2009

Overwhelmed

I've officially gotten overwhelmed. My emotions are all over the place at this point. Even typing this i am trembling a bit. I'd finally gotten to a "happy" place. A place where i am content where im not asking for more and just letting things flow. And now i have to face reality cause on Wednesday i go to court. Hopefully this is the last court date. But who knows.

I'm really nervous and I'm realizing that i am getting overwhelmed with everything. My feelings are all over the place and i have another situation which is not helping but that my friends is for another blog.

I just don't know if this is something i can handle. I realize the program is the best choice i can go a year without drinking i can do without driving for a while, i am doing it right now. But i don't know if i can afford this. And if you mess up anywhere. even once, like missing a pymt you get automatically 30 days in jail. Yeah and that sucks. As it is im making it financially. I am paying my bills and we still get to do some stuff but im struggling this is the first time i am on my own completely.

I haven't been thinking about it because every time i do i get nervous and start crying. That's another thing, my emotions are wild. I get mad over everything, annoyed at the smallest things, i start crying for no reason, shoot that sounds like a pregnant woman, lol. I try to control myself and just relax but realistically its not something you can make yourself do.

I'm just hoping i can get away without having to get either of the 2 things that are the most money. 1 is the interlock in my car, which i cant drive until March anyways, or the SCRAM device which i have to wear, its an ankle monitor that reads my alcohol intake. But both are very expensive and require a monthly cost which i cant afford. I didn't want to take the program but my lawyer says that it is cheaper than taking the conviction. Also i do get my record expunged at the end of it, which its 12-24 month long program.

A year of my life seems too much to ask for a misdemeanor charge. I understand that what i did was wrong and its not ok, but at the same time i have a friend would had a felony amt of drugs on him and was arrested and let go on a 6 month probation and fine. Something about this isn't evening out. I could understand if i had anything on my record but I've never done anything wrong, other than a few speeding tickets which my last was more than 2 years ago. I just feel that this is too much to risk on something that im not sure i can complete.

I feel like the program is more about taking your money than "helping" those who need it. Who knows if ill even get approved for it. I don't have a drinking problem, and those ppl out there who do I'm sure are already back behind the wheel.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Big Steps

i guess im growing up. i never thought i would come to this stage in my life where i am actually ready to be an adult. To have an adult relationship, an actual commitment. Im happy tho i can honestly say ive never been more happy in my life. Things are going great. We have been big plans for the future and and hopefully things fall into place as we are praying for them to do. Although its truly been a short time our relationship is so strong. Something im proud of and he is someone i truly trust. Ive never had that before and its a great feeling. So stayed posted i believe there are big things to come.

Love
MG