Thursday, September 17, 2009

Getting Serious?

So last night we hit an interesting road bump. Let me give a bit of background to the situation.

Trouble and I met the night i got my DWI, both of us had just gotten out of serious relationships. His was a lot more recent than mine and more serious. Mike and i had broke up about 5 months before and it was long distance so when we met (me & trouble) i was over Michael. I no longer had hopes of us being together. Our relationship was done. Trouble's was a lot more fresh, without putting all his business out there, simply put he was in the process of moving out when we met. So as you can tell from that alone it was very new. And altho it was over between them it scared me to get involved. I think we have been moving at a steady pace. Its been 4 months and things are great. He makes me very happy and we don't have titles at this point for each other, we consider us "talking" as i still get scared of the fact that it may be too fast for him.

So i had been thinking that i think a good break from each other would be good for him. I don't want to do this, its not something i want for me because i know i want to be with him but i think its something that is good for him. I think he should take some time and date someone else, spend time with his friends & family, in other words take sometime to enjoy single life. We fell in love very fast and very hard. To me its the greatest thing ever i love being in love with him, if that makes any sense, I've never felt something so strong in my life. He says he doesn't want that but if i force the break then he will take it.

And here is the deal breaker, he said that after the break if we can "get serious"!? This is where i start to panic. I'm scared to get serious. And honestly part of me doesn't even know what that means. I think we love each other very much and altho it hasn't been said we are faithful and committed to each other. I know that without having to say it. So how can we get anymore serious than that.

As it is i feel I'm holding him back, i have a suspended license, I'm about to get on probation, which is really going to limit my time and ability to do things. He said he doesn't care about that and he wants to be with me, but i don't know what to do. I wont lie a tiny part of me was happy to hear him say that cause i feel the same way but then there is the other HUGE part of me that is terrified. Eventually i plan to go back home (to SA) what happens then? How is this going to work? am i thinking too far ahead? what if i commit myself to him and things are wonderful and in 1 or 2 yrs when I'm ready to leave he isn't? I just don't know. Now i completely avoided answering this "getting serious" thing by spilling my beer but this is all my mental thought process.

Anyway later in the night we kind of argued cause i always push him away, which is true i do. i don't know why i have major issues i know but then we talked and we decided to be happy together. So now I'm kinda like hmmm, does this mean there is no break. Is this us getting serious? I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. And the worse part is i don't even get to talk to him about it til Saturday cause he has to take around his dad for the next 2 days, he comes from Puerto Rico every couple of months for doctor's appts.

So i think I'm going to use these next few days to clear my mind. decide what i really and truly want and then tell him what i want and see if its what he wants. Altho i am scared i feel deep in my heart he is worth the risk cause i know he wont hurt me. He hasnt so far and i don't want to do it to him. Wish me luck guys and if you have any advice at all please share.

From your issue-filled twitter/spurs friend -MG :)

1 comment:

  1. My dear friend, sometimes in a relationship things gor from being fun and spontaneous to being serious. The bad thing is that no one can really tell you what to do cause it you and your partner that are in the relationship. But of course, words of wisdom can be given...Listen to not only your heart, but also your mind. You yourself have stated that you know he won't hurt you and that you feel he is worth the risk. If you feel that strongly about it, follow your instincts. If you've both invested this much time in your relationship, it just might really be worth it. It's true, use this time to think about what it is that you really want. Weigh all the pros and cons, and you'll know deep down what to do. And don't be afraid to live in the moment. I will say a prayer for you and remember, I'm always here :)