Friday, September 25, 2009

Terrorists

Well this morning as i was getting ready i was watching the news about the potential bombing in Dallas. Stuff like this always gives me a mixed feeling. Its very sad to think this is still going on. And at the same time it confuses me.

I dont understand why people want to hurt Americans. I dont understand how people allow other people to control thier minds. Its very scary at the same time. One of the ladies who committed the Charlie Manson murders died in jail today or yesterday. Its amazing how these people were able to let a sick man get in their heads and make them do these things. How week minded are people to lose control of themselves.

The sad part is that although it is wrong how others want to hurt us in some cases i can understand. There is never a reason for violence especially not war. I dont understan the politics of the war going on now but i do believe that America being the great country that it is should take care of its own. I believe that our soldiers should be here on our shores safe. I believe that even tho we were attacked so viciously at 9/11 there is a line that should not be crossed.

All 3 of my uncles were in the military. I understand the position that many ppl take but it truly saddens me to hear of the loss of some many men and women and its something that i feel can be avoided. I wonder if true peace is every going to happen. Or if it ever was in existence or something fabricated in our own minds. I think sometimes if every country were to keep to itself and do things the way they wanted to a lot of conflict could be avoided, but then that creates prejudice.

Well that's just my thought for today. Im sure everyone has their own opinions about stuff as sensitive as this. As hippy as this might sound i just hope one day our country, if not the world can honestly be filled with love, peace, happiness and respect for everyone to do what they must to achieve this. :)

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Break

I thought Sober Week was hard! lol We are on our little break thing right now. Its going ok but its only day two. I think it is best that we do this. I feel like its something for him as well as for me.

My best friend told me last night that i do have problems with pushing away and that why was i doing this to myself, talking about the break. I dont really feel like im doing it to myself i feel like im doing it for him. is that the wrong kind of thinking?

well anyways im not really sad or upset its hard to describe the way i feel. i guess i just miss him. Its hard being away from him especially without any contact. Its almost like since the day we met we've been inseperable.

I know that if we can get thru this and both still feel the same about each other afterward then maybe i can finally let that guard down. The one that apparently is always pushing. I dont see if but if the ones closest to you can then its probably there. Sad part is i dont mean to do it, its almost a reaction type thing, like "whoa too much feelings going on there, defense mechanism: activated" lol

Anyways im going to try to blog everyday throughout this "break" about something. Anything, something that made me happy or sad. Something that distracted me from him. Or about him and the things i miss most. Which are a lot.

Yesterday was the hardest, i got home and he left a note on my made-up bed. I immediately started crying, everytime i read it it makes me cry but for a good reason, cause even in the simplest 3 sentence long note that he left i can feel his love.

I know this is going to work for us it has to, cause altho we havent known each other long i know i cant be without him. Til tomorrow my friends!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Getting Serious?

So last night we hit an interesting road bump. Let me give a bit of background to the situation.

Trouble and I met the night i got my DWI, both of us had just gotten out of serious relationships. His was a lot more recent than mine and more serious. Mike and i had broke up about 5 months before and it was long distance so when we met (me & trouble) i was over Michael. I no longer had hopes of us being together. Our relationship was done. Trouble's was a lot more fresh, without putting all his business out there, simply put he was in the process of moving out when we met. So as you can tell from that alone it was very new. And altho it was over between them it scared me to get involved. I think we have been moving at a steady pace. Its been 4 months and things are great. He makes me very happy and we don't have titles at this point for each other, we consider us "talking" as i still get scared of the fact that it may be too fast for him.

So i had been thinking that i think a good break from each other would be good for him. I don't want to do this, its not something i want for me because i know i want to be with him but i think its something that is good for him. I think he should take some time and date someone else, spend time with his friends & family, in other words take sometime to enjoy single life. We fell in love very fast and very hard. To me its the greatest thing ever i love being in love with him, if that makes any sense, I've never felt something so strong in my life. He says he doesn't want that but if i force the break then he will take it.

And here is the deal breaker, he said that after the break if we can "get serious"!? This is where i start to panic. I'm scared to get serious. And honestly part of me doesn't even know what that means. I think we love each other very much and altho it hasn't been said we are faithful and committed to each other. I know that without having to say it. So how can we get anymore serious than that.

As it is i feel I'm holding him back, i have a suspended license, I'm about to get on probation, which is really going to limit my time and ability to do things. He said he doesn't care about that and he wants to be with me, but i don't know what to do. I wont lie a tiny part of me was happy to hear him say that cause i feel the same way but then there is the other HUGE part of me that is terrified. Eventually i plan to go back home (to SA) what happens then? How is this going to work? am i thinking too far ahead? what if i commit myself to him and things are wonderful and in 1 or 2 yrs when I'm ready to leave he isn't? I just don't know. Now i completely avoided answering this "getting serious" thing by spilling my beer but this is all my mental thought process.

Anyway later in the night we kind of argued cause i always push him away, which is true i do. i don't know why i have major issues i know but then we talked and we decided to be happy together. So now I'm kinda like hmmm, does this mean there is no break. Is this us getting serious? I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. And the worse part is i don't even get to talk to him about it til Saturday cause he has to take around his dad for the next 2 days, he comes from Puerto Rico every couple of months for doctor's appts.

So i think I'm going to use these next few days to clear my mind. decide what i really and truly want and then tell him what i want and see if its what he wants. Altho i am scared i feel deep in my heart he is worth the risk cause i know he wont hurt me. He hasnt so far and i don't want to do it to him. Wish me luck guys and if you have any advice at all please share.

From your issue-filled twitter/spurs friend -MG :)

Friday, September 04, 2009

Labor Day = Moving Day

So as tragedy struck my Trouble and our plans had to be canceled for the long weekend i decided to go ahead and move up my move from next weekend to this weekend. That way i am busy with that and don't have time to miss him as much, well that's the plan anyways.

Its a swap what we are doing. My sister is moving back home after a very difficult break up and i am moving into the house she was living in. Along with my new roommate, my bff, we have wanted to live together forever so this is perfect timing! I'm excited about it.

I love organizing and cleaning. I feel good when i finish a big project like that. i don't know why its very odd i know. But hopefully ill be settled when he gets back and we can spend Labor Day together relaxing and just being together.

I'm a huge planner, if you didn't already know that. In my head i already know how my furniture will be arranged and what will go where. Its already done in my head which some ppl find odd but i don't like things to be a mess. when its time to move everything in i like to be able to say that goes there and that goes there and there is no removing things. Everything is set in its place!

Well that's what ill be up to this Labor Day weekend. Should be fun, I'm sure there will be some twitpics and frustrated tweets from me, after all my family is helping and that is always interesting. :) Hope everyone else has great plans and enjoys their long weekend. Love you guys!