Thursday, July 16, 2009


Lately i have felt that my friends are making me choose between them and the guy I'm falling in love with. I don't know how to handle this. I don't think they mean to do it but still.

I know I'm a bit different when I'm with him. Not in a bad way but its like when we are together i only have eyes for him. We just get so entranced with one another we don't realize where the time goes or even whats going on around us. But here is the thing i realize that. I know when we are together we are like that and so i usually hang out alone with him. But if i make plans to hang with my friends i make sure I'm hanging with them. Even if he is there.

Yesterday, for the 2nd time they showed up on us. And i don't mind at all its a free country and it dollar beer night so i get it but don't come back to me and say that I'm all girly and its gross to watch. My plans were with him and not you. Now i realize that sounds super mean but i don't mean it in that sense. I just really hate to be "that girl" the one who ignores her friends for a new guy. Its not the case at all, i really think our relationship could last longer so I've made it a point to tell my bff that we need to set a night for each other every week. I'm making an effort not to shut my friends out but i don't think they are extending the same courtesy.

Last weekend really hurt me, my gbff (girl bff, Mike would be my bbff, boy bff) said lets get drunk on Saturday so i said okay and invited my new friend to drink with us. We had spent the day at the racetrack so i figured he would just stay and we would have fun together. So during the day he is telling me that he is looking forward to spending time with us and getting to know her. (i know hes the sweetest thing ever...*sigh*) So i know i mentioned this to her ahead of time and she calls me and wants to change the plans to go to her house and i tell her well ill have my friend with me and we would be more comfortable hanging out at my house. Then it gets weird all of a sudden. cause "she doesn't know if she is comfortable hanging out with US" wait what does that mean? 1st, I'm ur bff it doesn't matter who is there and 2nd if you realize, cause I've told you, this person is important to me then why aren't you making more of an effort to get to know him. Why does this have to be awkward. So after she said that i said i wasn't going to tell him not to be there after already inviting him even though he said he would go away. I wanted to be with both of them the 2 ppl i love. She broke my heart with that. Of course she text me later and said it would be fine and came and we had a good time. But the fact that she wasn't okay with it at first bothered me.

My thing is that when you are the one who is making me choose i am not going to choose you. And he feels so bad (cause as some of you know i was put into a similar predicament with Mike recently) cause he doesn't want to come in between me and my friends. But i feel my friends are tripping. Another friend has a boyfriend and he told me that he would like to go out, us with them two but I'm honestly a little scared at how that might turn out. Cause it doesn't seem to be going in my favor, i have 4bffs, so far i seem to be losing, 2 have had an issue and 1 is always neutral.

I'm in love and i cant help it. I'm freaking happy. Yes i get it, this came out of nowhere and its odd and its going fast and no one seems to get it. But it is what it is and we cant change that. I hope in time that this will all blow over. That everyone will be bffs!

Sorry just complaining again.

Monday, July 06, 2009

The 4th & Forgiveness

This weekend was great. I really had so much fun with The Conductor. We always have so much right. Well to use RG's term we hit a bump in the road. Not like a pebble more of a speed bump. I'm going to do this the vaguest way possible.

We were hanging out and he did something without warning me. Something that I'm only okay with if I'm told about it first. Something i said i didn't want him to do that day. Well this something pissed me the F off. I was so mad. And when i get mad like this i need to be alone. I deal with my emotions differently than some. I was so mad i kept telling him to leave and that i needed to be alone. I was being a real bitch cause well that's what i do when I'm pissed off.

This was the deal breaker. He didn't leave. No matter how mean and rude and what messed up comments i made to him, he stayed. So it took me like at least an hour to calm down. He stayed by my side and tried his best to explain to me what he did and how he felt really bad about it. And that it would never happen again. And he came up with a solution for us and i forgave him.

He told me that with me hes the happiest he has ever been. Now I'm really skeptical about stuff like this and guys saying these sorts of things but i believe him and honestly i feel the same way about him. he makes me really happy and i know what he did wasn't really on purpose. now i don't know/think this will last forever. Its almost too good to be true but in the mean time i want to hold on to this good feeling. i want to spend as much time with him as possible and it seems like he does too.

So i felt the need to just kinda get the drama off my chest and let it go completely. I feel like i can do that now.