* WARNING: Foul Language can be found in this Blog*
My best friend and I are at a point where I don't know what the fuck. I try not to curse because as Rita says people only use it when they cant think of better words to use. But at this point like i said i don't know what the fuck to do.
She calls me yesterday (her name is Lily) we are talking casually and then she goes into the whole thing how I'm not trying hard enough and that i act like i don't want to be her friend. When she first moved back to town we had plans for that wedding, you remember? i believe i spoke about it, she sold me out. it took a few days but i got over it and invited her to do stuff with me a couple of times and she always had plans, like 3 times it happened. So i waited a while and then she invited me to do stuff and i don't like to do those things, like going out to clubs or hanging with our other friend's (other friend is Mary) friends (i know that's confusing) anywho. I am who i am, i haven't changed in the 10 years and now all of a sudden Lily tells me that it cant always be me & her hanging out i have to go out with other people. my initial reaction was fuck you. i don't HAVE to do anything. i didn't say that of course but why should i change the way i am, and why all of a sudden does this bother her. She is living with my Mary now & me and Mary use to go out (before she got a boyfriend) every Wednesday to my favorite bar for $1 beer night. (this is the infamous spot that landed me my legal trouble, haha) Those nights i use to spend the night and her mom works nights so it was just me and her and i would get up at 6am for work. No big deal. Well Lily brings this up, 3 huge things about this, 1st i don't like to go out on weekdays cause i drag on Thursdays and they stay out late & don't have jobs to get up to early like me, they also don't like to go to my bar and that's the only place i like to go, its my spot 2nd before it was just Mary & her mom, since then Mary's boyfriend moved in, Lily moved in & another of their sorority sisters moved in. From Mary living practically alone there are now 5 ppl living there. i don't feel right staying the night with that many ppl getting up and disturbing everyone to get ready for work. 3rd and most importantly, i just got arrested & spent the night in jail for a DWI, i don't really want to go out and party all night right now, sorry if that's wrong but i don't think it is.
Last week she invites me over on Wednesday, the 1st day of layoffs at my job. she calls me at 4pm as soon as i get off of work and of course I'm having a pretty messed up week so I'm like sure ill go by. i get there and shes kinda down, she hasn't found a job yet, shes in her pjs at 4pm, she wants me to write a cover letter for her, she wants to talk about my jail experience, she wants to lecture me on this guy (this guy is the reason i say I'm going to hell, its a long awkward story, for another blog on another day) she literally spends the whole time bitching at me for that. telling me I'm wrong and all this. needless to say the visit was fucked up. i was ready to go home like 10minutes after i got there. why the hell would i want to spend time with someone who is making me feel more fucked up than i already do about my current situation. its so stupid. i tell Lily this and she says that makes her feel like she needs to be a certain way and cant be down. its not that at all, I've had to listen to a lot of bitching because of that asshole guy and i dealt with it. at one pt yes i told her i didn't want to hear about it, after months of listening to it because i don't want to listen to my best friend hurt herself, because i stopped blaming the guy it was her won fault after 6 months. i don't mind listening but i stopped feeling sorry for her a long time ago. so this day i really needed her to be my best friend and joke & laugh with me and just help me relieve some stress and calm my jumpy nerves and i get lectured. WTF!?!? ill pass i don't need that, my parents didn't even do that shit to me. so i just left. i didn't want to deal with this now. i think that should be understandable in my present situation.
So then she tells me that she thinks i want this friendship to end. but if your the once calling something like that out then maybe its you who doesn't want the friendship. i don't think friendships should require effort. in a sense yeah they should as far as time being spent, but when it starts turning into a "we need to talk" type situation it means maybe its not working. i don't think i should be having to deal with this now. I'm finally calming down and not being so stressed about my situation and she puts this stuff on my plate. i think its messed up as far she goes.
so like i said, i don't know what the fuck to do. my attitude right now its like fuck-it-all! thanks you guys for listening to me complain again. y'all really have made me feel so much better about everything that I'm going thru and about my messed up friendships that I'm dealing with. honestly had i not had y'all around. id be fucked.
love you guys!!