Monday, May 25, 2009

Vague

I guess we all do this. Ive never done this. I'm going to be very vague because i don't want to even say out loud what I'm really thinking/doing cause it makes it true on my behalf and cause i don't want anyone to think less of me although at this point i couldn't think less of myself.

Have you ever done something wrong, knew it was wrong and couldn't stop yourself. Or after the event you could have taken the precautions to make sure you didn't keep doing the wrong but you didn't. You kept making the same bad decision.

I did something wrong, i think god punished me but i wouldn't change it. I know its wrong still and I'm still doing it. I have the opportunity to change it now but I'm not going to. I feel so strongly about this that even tho i know its totally wrong, and there is no justification to make it right I'm still going to do it. I'm fucked up.

I'm mad at myself cause i know what I'm doing. I'm pissed off cause i know I'm not going to stop. I disappointed cause I'm not the person i thought i was. I'm crying because i don't care about any of this. I'm jealous cause i wasn't first. I'm worried cause it wont end well. I'm sad cause I'm being judged, altho they have every right to judge me.

I don't understand, I've always been very careful to protect myself from this bullshit. Ive always looked at those people, the ones doing the exact thing i am, as the worst of the worst. Now I'm one. I know i should stop but I'm not going to, there has to be something wrong with me.

I know this is totally vague and you got nothing out of it but i had to write it down, i had to see if reading it this way would make me change my mind, to see if i could step up and be the person i want to be. I didn't work.

3 comments:

  1. i think we all do something that we know we shouldnt do but we still do it anyway. you sholdnt really think ur all messed up cus of it. were all human and we all make the same mistake more than once. those who say they dont well they can be full of shit.

    i think u cant blame yourself, but just have the strength to stop. which is always soemthing hard

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  2. You beat yourself up because you know it's wrong and yet keep doing it...understandable. Anyone who says they don't understand are just lying to themselves. Atleast you know it's wrong..that'll make it easier to stop...when you want to.

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  3. You need to do what feels right to you. If this is something that truly feels right to you, then do it. Don't worry about judgement from others b/c none of us are perfect or ever will be. Just be careful in your decisions and be prepared for the outcome. And don't forget that you always have us, your twitter family, to talk to when things get rough!! I am always a DM away :)

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