I guess we all do this. Ive never done this. I'm going to be very vague because i don't want to even say out loud what I'm really thinking/doing cause it makes it true on my behalf and cause i don't want anyone to think less of me although at this point i couldn't think less of myself.
Have you ever done something wrong, knew it was wrong and couldn't stop yourself. Or after the event you could have taken the precautions to make sure you didn't keep doing the wrong but you didn't. You kept making the same bad decision.
I did something wrong, i think god punished me but i wouldn't change it. I know its wrong still and I'm still doing it. I have the opportunity to change it now but I'm not going to. I feel so strongly about this that even tho i know its totally wrong, and there is no justification to make it right I'm still going to do it. I'm fucked up.
I'm mad at myself cause i know what I'm doing. I'm pissed off cause i know I'm not going to stop. I disappointed cause I'm not the person i thought i was. I'm crying because i don't care about any of this. I'm jealous cause i wasn't first. I'm worried cause it wont end well. I'm sad cause I'm being judged, altho they have every right to judge me.
I don't understand, I've always been very careful to protect myself from this bullshit. Ive always looked at those people, the ones doing the exact thing i am, as the worst of the worst. Now I'm one. I know i should stop but I'm not going to, there has to be something wrong with me.
I know this is totally vague and you got nothing out of it but i had to write it down, i had to see if reading it this way would make me change my mind, to see if i could step up and be the person i want to be. I didn't work.