Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Bad Moods

So this blog kind of relates to the last one. I'm having these spurts of bad moods. I don't know what it is but sometimes I'm just so annoyed and i just want everyone to go away. The smallest things annoy me and I'm trying to shake them off.

I think worst of all its that people don't seem to understand the inconvenience that i feel i cause. My parents are constantly inviting me over and its not that i don't like to go over its just that i have to wait until someone is ready to bring me home and i have make someone go out of their way to do stuff for me. Every time i tell my parents no i feel like I'm being rude or hurting their feelings but honestly i just don't like being on someone Else's schedule.

E is great and he is always with me and he goes above and beyond to help me and do things for me but at the same time he understands that if I'm ready to go or don't want to go then that's that. I like to go and come as i please, Ive been that way since i was probably 16.

So something that really bothered me today was my sister asking me "why don't you let me know when you need to do stuff" Well let me guess, because her moods are like a freaking roller coaster and i never know what type of mood she is in. Second because she doesn't offer. I hate asking for favors, i ask my mom and even tho she is using my car right now, which lightens the guilt, i still don't like to. But my mom constantly asks me if i want or need to go somewhere i don't think my sister has even if she has i can count the amount of times on one hand.

I guess i just want people to understand. that although i greatly appreciate it I'm okay being alone and also id prefer to be alone over having to wait on someone. I'm not sure if that sounds awful or if anyone can understand that. But perhaps that's the reason for my bad moods. I just want to scream leave me the hell alone im ok!!

Monday, November 30, 2009

Overwhelmed

I've officially gotten overwhelmed. My emotions are all over the place at this point. Even typing this i am trembling a bit. I'd finally gotten to a "happy" place. A place where i am content where im not asking for more and just letting things flow. And now i have to face reality cause on Wednesday i go to court. Hopefully this is the last court date. But who knows.

I'm really nervous and I'm realizing that i am getting overwhelmed with everything. My feelings are all over the place and i have another situation which is not helping but that my friends is for another blog.

I just don't know if this is something i can handle. I realize the program is the best choice i can go a year without drinking i can do without driving for a while, i am doing it right now. But i don't know if i can afford this. And if you mess up anywhere. even once, like missing a pymt you get automatically 30 days in jail. Yeah and that sucks. As it is im making it financially. I am paying my bills and we still get to do some stuff but im struggling this is the first time i am on my own completely.

I haven't been thinking about it because every time i do i get nervous and start crying. That's another thing, my emotions are wild. I get mad over everything, annoyed at the smallest things, i start crying for no reason, shoot that sounds like a pregnant woman, lol. I try to control myself and just relax but realistically its not something you can make yourself do.

I'm just hoping i can get away without having to get either of the 2 things that are the most money. 1 is the interlock in my car, which i cant drive until March anyways, or the SCRAM device which i have to wear, its an ankle monitor that reads my alcohol intake. But both are very expensive and require a monthly cost which i cant afford. I didn't want to take the program but my lawyer says that it is cheaper than taking the conviction. Also i do get my record expunged at the end of it, which its 12-24 month long program.

A year of my life seems too much to ask for a misdemeanor charge. I understand that what i did was wrong and its not ok, but at the same time i have a friend would had a felony amt of drugs on him and was arrested and let go on a 6 month probation and fine. Something about this isn't evening out. I could understand if i had anything on my record but I've never done anything wrong, other than a few speeding tickets which my last was more than 2 years ago. I just feel that this is too much to risk on something that im not sure i can complete.

I feel like the program is more about taking your money than "helping" those who need it. Who knows if ill even get approved for it. I don't have a drinking problem, and those ppl out there who do I'm sure are already back behind the wheel.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Big Steps

i guess im growing up. i never thought i would come to this stage in my life where i am actually ready to be an adult. To have an adult relationship, an actual commitment. Im happy tho i can honestly say ive never been more happy in my life. Things are going great. We have been big plans for the future and and hopefully things fall into place as we are praying for them to do. Although its truly been a short time our relationship is so strong. Something im proud of and he is someone i truly trust. Ive never had that before and its a great feeling. So stayed posted i believe there are big things to come.

Love
MG

Friday, October 30, 2009

Halloween

Halloween is probably my 3rd favorite holiday, next to My Birthday & Christmas.

I know its considered a kids holiday or that its a made up thing in order to make money, (you know the whole "man" thing) anyway i love this holiday cause its the one night out the year that you can be someone else completely. Where its okay to play dress up, even as an adult, and walk around town begging. lol No one is going to judge you beacuse ur dressed up and no one is going to give you a hard time cause you want to be different.

When i was little i was all sorts of things, i remember being a carebear, a tiger, a devil, a witch, a bum, hmmm and the list goes on. But its almost like a no rules type night. Although i havent dressed up in years for Halloween, i love seeing the kids dress up, and if you know me you know i dont like kids, cant stand them lol i know im horrible but to see kids dress up its for like 3 reasons, either A) they want to scare you B) they want to look cool/pretty and the big one C) the want to be someone different or more commonly their idol or hero. Kids dress up as batman, superman, (back in my day) power rangers, hannah montana, angels etc. They want to be something better and bigger and you can truly see kids imaginations and excitement in getting to be the hero even if just for a night.

I wish i could go back to that time, but honestly if i were to dress up right now it would be as a Spur lol those are my heros. Its fun to have heros, to pretend & to really play. Although over the years my treats have changed from candy to beer it still has the same background.

This year we are going to spend tonight watch scary movies and tomorrow night at the Rockets game but its def gonna be good. I got my partner with me and we took off Monday (for court stuff) so we have a long beautiful weekend together. I hope everyone has a great time and is safe out there.

Happy Halloween!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Terrorists

Well this morning as i was getting ready i was watching the news about the potential bombing in Dallas. Stuff like this always gives me a mixed feeling. Its very sad to think this is still going on. And at the same time it confuses me.

I dont understand why people want to hurt Americans. I dont understand how people allow other people to control thier minds. Its very scary at the same time. One of the ladies who committed the Charlie Manson murders died in jail today or yesterday. Its amazing how these people were able to let a sick man get in their heads and make them do these things. How week minded are people to lose control of themselves.

The sad part is that although it is wrong how others want to hurt us in some cases i can understand. There is never a reason for violence especially not war. I dont understan the politics of the war going on now but i do believe that America being the great country that it is should take care of its own. I believe that our soldiers should be here on our shores safe. I believe that even tho we were attacked so viciously at 9/11 there is a line that should not be crossed.

All 3 of my uncles were in the military. I understand the position that many ppl take but it truly saddens me to hear of the loss of some many men and women and its something that i feel can be avoided. I wonder if true peace is every going to happen. Or if it ever was in existence or something fabricated in our own minds. I think sometimes if every country were to keep to itself and do things the way they wanted to a lot of conflict could be avoided, but then that creates prejudice.

Well that's just my thought for today. Im sure everyone has their own opinions about stuff as sensitive as this. As hippy as this might sound i just hope one day our country, if not the world can honestly be filled with love, peace, happiness and respect for everyone to do what they must to achieve this. :)

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Break

I thought Sober Week was hard! lol We are on our little break thing right now. Its going ok but its only day two. I think it is best that we do this. I feel like its something for him as well as for me.

My best friend told me last night that i do have problems with pushing away and that why was i doing this to myself, talking about the break. I dont really feel like im doing it to myself i feel like im doing it for him. is that the wrong kind of thinking?

well anyways im not really sad or upset its hard to describe the way i feel. i guess i just miss him. Its hard being away from him especially without any contact. Its almost like since the day we met we've been inseperable.

I know that if we can get thru this and both still feel the same about each other afterward then maybe i can finally let that guard down. The one that apparently is always pushing. I dont see if but if the ones closest to you can then its probably there. Sad part is i dont mean to do it, its almost a reaction type thing, like "whoa too much feelings going on there, defense mechanism: activated" lol

Anyways im going to try to blog everyday throughout this "break" about something. Anything, something that made me happy or sad. Something that distracted me from him. Or about him and the things i miss most. Which are a lot.

Yesterday was the hardest, i got home and he left a note on my made-up bed. I immediately started crying, everytime i read it it makes me cry but for a good reason, cause even in the simplest 3 sentence long note that he left i can feel his love.

I know this is going to work for us it has to, cause altho we havent known each other long i know i cant be without him. Til tomorrow my friends!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Getting Serious?

So last night we hit an interesting road bump. Let me give a bit of background to the situation.

Trouble and I met the night i got my DWI, both of us had just gotten out of serious relationships. His was a lot more recent than mine and more serious. Mike and i had broke up about 5 months before and it was long distance so when we met (me & trouble) i was over Michael. I no longer had hopes of us being together. Our relationship was done. Trouble's was a lot more fresh, without putting all his business out there, simply put he was in the process of moving out when we met. So as you can tell from that alone it was very new. And altho it was over between them it scared me to get involved. I think we have been moving at a steady pace. Its been 4 months and things are great. He makes me very happy and we don't have titles at this point for each other, we consider us "talking" as i still get scared of the fact that it may be too fast for him.

So i had been thinking that i think a good break from each other would be good for him. I don't want to do this, its not something i want for me because i know i want to be with him but i think its something that is good for him. I think he should take some time and date someone else, spend time with his friends & family, in other words take sometime to enjoy single life. We fell in love very fast and very hard. To me its the greatest thing ever i love being in love with him, if that makes any sense, I've never felt something so strong in my life. He says he doesn't want that but if i force the break then he will take it.

And here is the deal breaker, he said that after the break if we can "get serious"!? This is where i start to panic. I'm scared to get serious. And honestly part of me doesn't even know what that means. I think we love each other very much and altho it hasn't been said we are faithful and committed to each other. I know that without having to say it. So how can we get anymore serious than that.

As it is i feel I'm holding him back, i have a suspended license, I'm about to get on probation, which is really going to limit my time and ability to do things. He said he doesn't care about that and he wants to be with me, but i don't know what to do. I wont lie a tiny part of me was happy to hear him say that cause i feel the same way but then there is the other HUGE part of me that is terrified. Eventually i plan to go back home (to SA) what happens then? How is this going to work? am i thinking too far ahead? what if i commit myself to him and things are wonderful and in 1 or 2 yrs when I'm ready to leave he isn't? I just don't know. Now i completely avoided answering this "getting serious" thing by spilling my beer but this is all my mental thought process.

Anyway later in the night we kind of argued cause i always push him away, which is true i do. i don't know why i have major issues i know but then we talked and we decided to be happy together. So now I'm kinda like hmmm, does this mean there is no break. Is this us getting serious? I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. And the worse part is i don't even get to talk to him about it til Saturday cause he has to take around his dad for the next 2 days, he comes from Puerto Rico every couple of months for doctor's appts.

So i think I'm going to use these next few days to clear my mind. decide what i really and truly want and then tell him what i want and see if its what he wants. Altho i am scared i feel deep in my heart he is worth the risk cause i know he wont hurt me. He hasnt so far and i don't want to do it to him. Wish me luck guys and if you have any advice at all please share.

From your issue-filled twitter/spurs friend -MG :)

Friday, September 04, 2009

Labor Day = Moving Day

So as tragedy struck my Trouble and our plans had to be canceled for the long weekend i decided to go ahead and move up my move from next weekend to this weekend. That way i am busy with that and don't have time to miss him as much, well that's the plan anyways.

Its a swap what we are doing. My sister is moving back home after a very difficult break up and i am moving into the house she was living in. Along with my new roommate, my bff, we have wanted to live together forever so this is perfect timing! I'm excited about it.

I love organizing and cleaning. I feel good when i finish a big project like that. i don't know why its very odd i know. But hopefully ill be settled when he gets back and we can spend Labor Day together relaxing and just being together.

I'm a huge planner, if you didn't already know that. In my head i already know how my furniture will be arranged and what will go where. Its already done in my head which some ppl find odd but i don't like things to be a mess. when its time to move everything in i like to be able to say that goes there and that goes there and there is no removing things. Everything is set in its place!

Well that's what ill be up to this Labor Day weekend. Should be fun, I'm sure there will be some twitpics and frustrated tweets from me, after all my family is helping and that is always interesting. :) Hope everyone else has great plans and enjoys their long weekend. Love you guys!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

.12

Well ive been wanting to blog about this for a while but have just been avoiding it seeing as i have mixed feelings on the situation. But, thats my blood result, .12 the legal limit is .08 so yeah im over.

Now its not all bad, there is a program with the DAs office where i can get on a pretrial diversion program and do some stuff for a year and after that year my case will get dismissed and my lawyer will help get it expunged. But if i mess up the terms of that probation i get 30 days in jail. So this is a rough deal. Cause it could be a tiny simple slip and i could be back in jail & trust me i never want to go back. There is also a lot of flaws with the program and people are saying that it is not legal and that there are many problems with it, like i would have to enter a guility plea.

So now my debate is whether to take the probation or cut a deal. I still have to see the stipulations of the program but from a rough draft ive seen ill have curfew & i cant go to bars, ill have to take alcohol tests and counseling there are quite a few things. Im not sure if i want the hassle, either way its something im going to consider and i wont make a decision until i have all the facts laid out in front of me.

Im hoping its something i can tolerate but somehow it seems that its really more than its worth but ill try to be open minded. So thats all for now about my legal troubles, im hoping for the best!

Monday, August 17, 2009

Missing

I didn't realize i could miss a person so much until Saturday. I'm not a too attached type person. I'm really okay being alone. I have no problems with that. This weekend Michael came to visit.

I spent Friday evening with my best friend and Trouble. We had fun, we went to a few bars and then home. We stayed up talking until finally falling asleep. In all it was a typical day with Trouble and a fabulous one as always.

So Saturday he leaves and Mike comes to town, we go to the beach he spends the entire time fishing. We come back and I'm pretty tired from the night before and he is tired from the beach so we go to sleep. I was super bored and lonely at the beach, i was really kinda bummed. Sunday we get up see The Goods, eat at Wings N More and then i go home clean and a few hours later he leaves.

I realize this sounds like a super uneventful weekend, but the entire time all i could think of was how much i miss my Trouble. I just wanted to spend the day with him like we have every weekend since we met. I know ill be able to spend time without him but its like when you have so much fun with someone and there is never a dull moment, and time is flying then you spend time with someone who you used to have a blast with i guess things change.

I realize it may seem like an exaggeration to say that i missed him so much it was barely over 36 hours that we didn't see each other but it was the longest for me. Last night we went to the track and had a blast, i had so much fun in like 5 hours than i did the whole weekend. Maybe Mike and i still have a little tiff in the air over our previous fight so things seemed awkward. But i can honestly say that i really do enjoy spending time with Trouble, its not just about having a lot to talk about, things in common, which is a big part of why we work, its about having fun together cause we truly do have a good time. no matter what we may be doing.

Just wanted to say (again for the like 100millionth time) how glad i feel to have found him. :)

On a side note wish me luck, i have court again on Thursday, that will make for a long blog I'm sure. Hopefully not another reset.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Fighting

Uh-oh, the inevitable happened. Trouble & I have gotten into what i can tifts. Like small arguments where one of us is usually mad but not at the other one, and the other one is calm. We haven't both gotten mad and def not at each other. So we had our first fight on Friday.

Briefly ill tell you what happened, he is of Puerto Rican (& Honduran) dissent and I am of Mexican dissent (among Czech, Spanish, & Indian). But anyways i always had a negative stereotype over Puerto Ricans til i met him, and i know that's horrible and def not all PRs but more over PR men. But i joke a lot about it cause the first night we met i was telling him how i had that stereotype and it turned in to a joke. Well he made a joke, which really wasn't as bad as i make about PRs but i took offense. It could have been the alcohol but still i got mad. He tried to explain his side and i did mine and it got heated. So i decide I'm ready to go and he tells me to go ahead he'll close our tab i can leave, well Mr. Puerto Rican thought i would be like no, ill wait or something. Hell no, this Mexican took off. it was the funniest thing (not at the time).

So I'm driving home, and he calls me that he wants to come over to my house, and I'm like well do i have a choice or are you coming anyways, he said he was coming anyways but if i would please let him in. So i go in leave the door open and go to the RR when i come out he is laying in my bed playing with Kit-Tea. Needless to say the fight ended. He did his apologizing and i did mine and the night was saved. I thought i was so cute because I'm never like that. It takes a lot of time for me to cool off but i just looked at him and thought 'i don't want to fight with you' and he said it before i could. he just makes me very happy. more than i can express in words.

Our first fight, to me, was a failure, no ugly words were thrown, no raised voices, oh wait yes at the bar he kinds raised his voice and said "would you let me talk?!" my response "why are you yelling at me?" and his was "I'm sorry, please let me speak" it was so funny, apologizing in the middle of a fight for being mean, i mean that's the point of a fight right.

So we fought, and he is still around and I'm still happy and i want to stay that way for a long time with him. He even kinda made a comment how San Antonio is the only other city he would live in, in Texas. :) He knows i plan to move there.

Just being girly & mushy! Love you guys!

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Smooth Sailing

It's been a while since i blogged and i kind of feel distant from everyone, i know i got a new friend and all of a sudden I'm MIA! lol But I'm at work and Twitter is down so i will Blog! :) Really, like my last few blogs this is about the guy. Feel free to skip over, but before i was having some hard times incorporating everyone in my life. Somehow tho it has fell into place, i think RG had something to do with that. She said it would go down that way. lol

Friends, are doing well, altho it took everyone a little time to adjust to the new and very important addition to my life they have all come around in their own way, don't get me wrong i still "disgust" them I'm sure but they have gotten over it, for the most part.
  • The Best Friend, is having a hard time, she was hurt by that good-for-nothing man she was seeing, can you believe that he is engaged to his ex-girlfriend, 3 months after they (him & my bff) broke up. She has her days and I'm a lot more understanding now to her animosity towards my Trouble, (misery loves company) no excuse but i have to be understanding. And I'm standing by her side & we are gonna get over this heartbreak together, like we've done everything else.
  • Michael we had a brief parting of the ways due to Trouble but he has gotten over his issues with the situation and learned just how happy i am and he is genuinely happy for me, this is the biggest thing for me cause Mike means a lot to me. Altho he wont meet Trouble yet its okay, hell come around in his own time.
  • Twin, i don't mention him much but he is my other guy bff, he is the one who is always supportive no matter what, even if i became a drug addict stripper he would love me and never judge, lol. But he has really made the most effort among my friends to get to know him and they get along great.
  • Meghan, is my 2nd girl bff and she told me yesterday how happy she is for us. And that she is glad i found someone who can make me so happy. She's my girl thru thick and thin and it means so much that her along w/ everyone else is finally on my side.

Family is my core, the reason i function and the reason i am the person i am today.

  • Dad and i recently had an argument. My dad and i don't fight, at all. So this was something that was hard to deal with. But in true Daddy's Girl fashion, we went to Happy Hour and talked through things. We are seeing eye to eye again, and the scariest part was me telling my Dad that i am in love. But the funny part is that it wasn't hard for me to say it. when he asked if it felt right in my heart i knew it did.
  • Mom, is 1000% supportive and thrilled, just being a typical mom! As long as i am happy she will back me, when dad and i went thru our little tift she was on my side and that meant so much to me.
  • Sisters, well one has her issues and the other has really been the one to hang, like really hang out with us. We all get along so well, Me/Trouble & Elaine/Troy. I really don't know if our relationship (mine & troubles) however new and fast it may be, would have survived had it not been for her. She is the one who pushed me to have fun and screw what the rest think, cause just like she said (and you all said it too) they would come around eventually & if not oh well as long as i was happy.

Overall i can't complain with how things are going. I'm completely happy. Its been a long time. Those phone calls and text messages really brighten my day. Dollar beer night is the only way i make it through the week now. And every weekend is a new adventure that is always filled with love, happiness, laughter, fun and a dash of trouble. i could go on for days, but to spare you the disgusted look i will simply tell you thanks for being there completely & enjoy all the love that you may have in your life. Because (and here is the pessimistic side of me coming out) you never know how long you'll have it but you'll always remember how great it was.

Love you guys!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Choosing

Lately i have felt that my friends are making me choose between them and the guy I'm falling in love with. I don't know how to handle this. I don't think they mean to do it but still.

I know I'm a bit different when I'm with him. Not in a bad way but its like when we are together i only have eyes for him. We just get so entranced with one another we don't realize where the time goes or even whats going on around us. But here is the thing i realize that. I know when we are together we are like that and so i usually hang out alone with him. But if i make plans to hang with my friends i make sure I'm hanging with them. Even if he is there.

Yesterday, for the 2nd time they showed up on us. And i don't mind at all its a free country and it dollar beer night so i get it but don't come back to me and say that I'm all girly and its gross to watch. My plans were with him and not you. Now i realize that sounds super mean but i don't mean it in that sense. I just really hate to be "that girl" the one who ignores her friends for a new guy. Its not the case at all, i really think our relationship could last longer so I've made it a point to tell my bff that we need to set a night for each other every week. I'm making an effort not to shut my friends out but i don't think they are extending the same courtesy.

Last weekend really hurt me, my gbff (girl bff, Mike would be my bbff, boy bff) said lets get drunk on Saturday so i said okay and invited my new friend to drink with us. We had spent the day at the racetrack so i figured he would just stay and we would have fun together. So during the day he is telling me that he is looking forward to spending time with us and getting to know her. (i know hes the sweetest thing ever...*sigh*) So i know i mentioned this to her ahead of time and she calls me and wants to change the plans to go to her house and i tell her well ill have my friend with me and we would be more comfortable hanging out at my house. Then it gets weird all of a sudden. cause "she doesn't know if she is comfortable hanging out with US" wait what does that mean? 1st, I'm ur bff it doesn't matter who is there and 2nd if you realize, cause I've told you, this person is important to me then why aren't you making more of an effort to get to know him. Why does this have to be awkward. So after she said that i said i wasn't going to tell him not to be there after already inviting him even though he said he would go away. I wanted to be with both of them the 2 ppl i love. She broke my heart with that. Of course she text me later and said it would be fine and came and we had a good time. But the fact that she wasn't okay with it at first bothered me.

My thing is that when you are the one who is making me choose i am not going to choose you. And he feels so bad (cause as some of you know i was put into a similar predicament with Mike recently) cause he doesn't want to come in between me and my friends. But i feel my friends are tripping. Another friend has a boyfriend and he told me that he would like to go out, us with them two but I'm honestly a little scared at how that might turn out. Cause it doesn't seem to be going in my favor, i have 4bffs, so far i seem to be losing, 2 have had an issue and 1 is always neutral.

I'm in love and i cant help it. I'm freaking happy. Yes i get it, this came out of nowhere and its odd and its going fast and no one seems to get it. But it is what it is and we cant change that. I hope in time that this will all blow over. That everyone will be bffs!

Sorry just complaining again.

Monday, July 06, 2009

The 4th & Forgiveness

This weekend was great. I really had so much fun with The Conductor. We always have so much right. Well to use RG's term we hit a bump in the road. Not like a pebble more of a speed bump. I'm going to do this the vaguest way possible.

We were hanging out and he did something without warning me. Something that I'm only okay with if I'm told about it first. Something i said i didn't want him to do that day. Well this something pissed me the F off. I was so mad. And when i get mad like this i need to be alone. I deal with my emotions differently than some. I was so mad i kept telling him to leave and that i needed to be alone. I was being a real bitch cause well that's what i do when I'm pissed off.

This was the deal breaker. He didn't leave. No matter how mean and rude and what messed up comments i made to him, he stayed. So it took me like at least an hour to calm down. He stayed by my side and tried his best to explain to me what he did and how he felt really bad about it. And that it would never happen again. And he came up with a solution for us and i forgave him.

He told me that with me hes the happiest he has ever been. Now I'm really skeptical about stuff like this and guys saying these sorts of things but i believe him and honestly i feel the same way about him. he makes me really happy and i know what he did wasn't really on purpose. now i don't know/think this will last forever. Its almost too good to be true but in the mean time i want to hold on to this good feeling. i want to spend as much time with him as possible and it seems like he does too.

So i felt the need to just kinda get the drama off my chest and let it go completely. I feel like i can do that now.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I Have...

Made a Decision. :)

Can't wait to be back in San Antonio,
even if it's just for a few days. Love ya!

~MG

Monday, June 29, 2009

Time Flies...

Well as we all know i have a friend, things are going well in this friendship. I'm not making it more than it is. But my natural reaction as with most things that get to serious is to either.
  • A. laugh it off and joke about it, not take it seriously or
  • B. close up and run away.
Its taking everything in me right now not to do that second one.

So he mentioned a trip to San Antonio and right away i got excited but i said when it gets closer we will discuss it, i don't want to be making plans too far in advance but i said it sounded like a good idea. And it does but now I'm thinking is it too soon to go on a trip with someone i just met? i mean granted we get along great, but that's like 2 whole days together non stop. I don't know, i want to but I'm hesitant.

The quickness of it all is freaking me out. This weekend we spent almost a full day together, partially cuz the hangover didn't wear off and cause we wanted to, when he left i didn't want him to and he didn't want to. But that's also not good. I'm terrified now. Nothing has ever ever moved this fast for me.

I know y'all are thinking or saying "follow your heart" but I'm built differently. Ive always said that i cant think that way cause i just think your heart is dumb and is gonna get you in trouble. lol. But i do love some trouble. But that's not the point. I guess I'm just venting my worries and concerns. I do that too much don't i? Sorry.

PS. I just re-read this and i cant believe i put BUT in there like 10 times. I'm trying to totally talk myself out of what i want to do. Yeah this isn't gonna end well, i usually just end up doing what i want anyways.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

A La Rattlergrl Part Deux

25. What did you do last night? Went to see Transformers 2 w/ my family and talk on the phone.

26. What was the last film you saw at the movies? Transformers 2

27. What is your favorite movie? Good Will Hunting

28. What is your favorite TV show? I have many but of all time, Will & Grace

29. Now what show is really your favorite that you won't admit to seeing? Keeping up w/ the Kardashians

30. What is your favorite CD at moment? Hmm i dont think i have one at the moment lol

31. Favorite item of clothing? Do shoes count, If so my newest black heels, they are so fierce

32. Favorite sandwich? also odd, bologna with miracle whip & pickles, thats all

33. Favorite sport to watch? Spurs Basketball

34. What is your favorite candy? Not big on sweets but if i had to choose Sour Patch Kids

35. What is your favorite flower? Roses, but Orchids are beautiful

36. Favorite soft drink? Dr. Pepper

37. What was your favorite toy as a child? i loved Trolls, you remember dontcha?

38. Favorite day of the week? Saturdays, the day of the Trouble Train

39. What is your favorite song? I Dont Wanna Miss A Thing by Aerosmith

40. What is your favorite love song? Lets Get It On by Marvin Gaye

41. Have you ever had your heart broken? I've broken my own heart if that makes sense. Ill be blunt, he wanted to do long distance, i refused didnt even want to try and told him no and i couldnt be with him that way. It was my choosing and i dont regret it.

42. Hugs or kisses? Besos

43. Do you remember your first real kiss? lol yes, a guy named Martin, it was not a pleasant experience. A principal saw us and then made a big deal. Horrible experience actually. lol

44. Have you ever been in a serious relationship? Yes Once

45. Any regrets from that serious relationship? No, only that we did stop talking for a bit afterwards but im glad we started again cause hes my best friend. So it worked itself out, had we not stopped talking i dont think i would appreciate him as much.

46. While in a relationship, what do you enjoy the most? Spending alone time together and having inside jokes. :)

47. Are looks or the way you are treated matter most in a relationship? Def Treatment, but both are a really good combo.

48. What is the first thing you notice about a person of the opposite sex? Looks, it sounds vain but its the first thing i see but it doesnt mean i wont talk to someone just cause i dont think they are smoking hott or whatever. Its just the first thing i notice not something i use to judge.

49. Did you feel uncomfortable sharing about yourself? Not at all

50. And finally, is there any news or exciting info you'd like to share with us? Sure, im freaking so happy now-a-days because of my new friend and i feel like such a dork. But i cant help but to smile and get giddy about it. And im not ashamed to admit it. lol

PS Thanks RG for everything! :)

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

A La Rattlergrl

Rattlergrl posted this wonderful blog about herself and suggested we do the same. I thought it was a great idea to get to know you all on a different level and would love to read what you have to say. Its just a fun little something that has some interesting tidbits that i haven't already shared. Enjoy!

1. What is your middle name? Michelle

2. When is your birthday? April 3rd of 86

3. What kind of car do you drive? 06 Vista Blue Mustang Coupe, that's my baby!

4. Pets? Kit-Tea via the Flea Market in Poteet & Zena our family PitBull

5. Who was the first person you spoke to on the phone today? Kim a coworker

6. Who was the last person you spoke to last night? Trouble, late last night into the morning

7. What did you want to be when you were little? Don't laugh, for some reason a bus driver seemed quite glamorous, since then my goals have gotten a little higher.

8. How many towns have you lived in? 2 - San Antonio & Houston

9. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? Argentina, yes because of Manu

10. Are you a morning person or a night person? I'm decent in the morning but more of a night person, esp now ;)

11. What food do you dislike? Seafood, ugh really cant stand it, any of it.

12. What characteristic in a person do you despise? Rudeness, i hate to see ppl disrespect others or be rude cause they think they are above someone. Like a waiter or a bus driver. lol

13. Do you wish on stars? not anymore, but when i was little all the time

14. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Gold

15. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds that's my birthstone and they are just beautiful

16. Chocolate or Vanilla? Vanilla

7. Coffee or tea? Tea

18. What is under your bed? Sometimes Kittea but usually nothing.

19. What was your most recent memorable birthday? My 22nd, but i celebrated it as my 2nd 21st so i partied like a 21 year old. :)

20. When was the last time you cried? Wow with my sister on Tuesday, i have moments from time to time but i don't cry often. The stress of the court stuff got to me and i broke. I hate that.

21. What are you afraid of? Getting in too deep with my someone new.

22. Do you prefer Summer or Winter? Winter

23. How many keys on your key ring? 6 - my house, gate, room, sisters house, gate to sisters house & the mustang

24. What are you listening to right now at this moment? The fax machine, i just turned of my music.

On a fun side note I'd like to add that if you have any questions about anything maybe something i haven't answered fully or anything like that feel free to ask. Cause i know sometimes i wonder about things and want to ask too. So as long as we are being honest lets fulfill our curiosity as well. :)

Friday, June 19, 2009

Testing

OMG, I think I get bored with myself and create these weird challenges.

At the beginning of the year i went vegetarian from January til Easter. I didn't have any good reason just to see if i could do it. I wanted to test my will power in a way. Is that odd, i knew i never planned to stop eating delicious meat but i just wanted to try it out. Its surprisingly a whole lot easier than you would think. There are a lot of options, but also a lot of temptation.

Now I'm trying a "Sober Week" as i have so cleverly named it. Just a test, no good reason for it either, (but i hardly ever have good reasons to do things) to see if i can really go 7 days without drinking. I'm not an alcoholic at all i usually only drink on the weekends and i don't always get drunk but i thought this was an interesting challenge. 7 days completely dry. I started on Thursday & its Friday now, and I'm so thirsty. No I'm totally kidding, not a bad deal at all the hard part was yesterday and only because my boss pissed me off and i went home and wanted to have a drink just to take the edge off, I'm sure you all know what i mean. But I'm better now, i talked it out and vented a bit. I really think this is going to be a breeze, should i maybe go for a month? Umm, no baby steps, lets not get carried away. lol.

Am i the only weirdo who does stuff like this or do you set personal goals or challenges for yourself, just because? I'm interested to know.

So for all of my Twitter friends have a drink for me this weekend and have fun!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Rules

I don't talk to anyone but you all about this cause I'm just a naturally private person. i don't think I've even told anyone his name so that gives you an idea of how i am. things are going well, but i wonder about something.

i know as girls and doing the whole "talking" or "dating" thing there are certain rules. For instance there is the 3 day rule with calling/texting someone after meeting them. (My bff had never heard of it and i was like wtf!) Technically my friend failed on that one but only by 1 day. No big deal, cause I'm not one of those beat around the bush, play games type person.

Well now its gotten to the "talk everyday" stage. And i don't call guys, i know that may sound like I'm stuck up but the way i see it, unless they are officially your boyfriend, it should be the guy to call & if I'm interested ill answer. Every girl has their own rules and i don't think there is anything wrong with calling a guy but me personally cant do it. I know I'm a weirdo. So back to my point.

A friend (girl) told me that i should put a bit of space. Like if he calls maybe don't talk to him every 3 day or something. But i don't get it, why play? i mean i like talking to him, every time we have talked it has been for about 1hr at the least and that's rare for me. We talk about all sorts of random things from basketball to cars, and we have the same odd sense of humor which is fun. So why should i not talk to him if i want to.

But then of course that got me thinking, do i seem desperate or too available or by answering am i just showing that i am also into him and want to talk? Is that wrong if i am? Ive told him, if you don't want to talk to me, that's fine my feelings wont get hurt just don't call and that's that. No big deal, I'm not going to get all psycho and harass him or anything. So he knows what's up. Another friend (guy, Mike actually) just told me that he likes me and that by not answering he would think oh well maybe she isn't interested and he would probably stop calling or not as often.

So i feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I mean i know what I'm going to do, I'm going to answer. I told him, "if i don't answer its cause i don't want to talk to you or I'm not interested" so if i don't answer, besides for like a real reason, (like being asleep or busy or stuff like that) its like I'm telling him nah i don't like you. But like he calls at night usually, he works evenings so I'm in bed watching TV or on the computer so I'm usually available. And besides id rather find out i don't like something about him while on the phone, as opposed to out in public. cause that would be awkward.

These rules are weird. I mean it doesn't really make sense in my tiny brain, it seems to be a little bit harder than it should be. I think I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing cause its working and cause I'm enjoying Trouble. On a side note I'm quite proud of myself for keeping my feelings in check. i mean i like the guy but I'm not attached, so yay! go me!

Friday, June 12, 2009

3 Hours

I spent 3 hours on the phone last night talking to my friend. i hate talking on the phone. but for some reason it was okay. i enjoyed it. i almost didn't want to hang up. almost. lol. i think this friend is going to make me crumble quick. not good. trying to keep my guard up but its getting increasingly more difficult. ahh, i know better tho, i got my shit in check, lol yes i know that's the ghetto-est term ever but it makes sense in this situation. I'm going to be having a (hopefully) fun filled, long weekend so i might not be able to blog or tweet or chat too much but i most certainly will try. I'm going to be good, i just printed out Jiminy Cricket and put him in my pocket, ill need him. its not like i do bad things, I'm a good girl its just that i have too much fun and i honestly feel a little guilty about it. like i shouldn't be having fun right now or like I'm doing something wrong by having the fun. i don't know, things happen for a reason, or so they say. So I'm going to think like i know my spurs girls would want me to think, and I'm going to enjoy the heck outta this weekend and I'm going to have fun and I'm not going to feel guilty about any of it. yay me!

i have a tiny confession to make i know ppl aren't perfect, there is no such thing but even tho i don't know him that well i feel like we have a perfect match thing going on. altho it may only evolve into a great friendship, which honestly i prefer at this time, im happy i met him. eww okay ill stop being so girly now. lol

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Zodiac Sign: Aries

Now i have never been one to believe in this stuff. At all, its like i dont think cause me and a whole bunch of other people were born around the same time that it identifies our personality. Here at work a coworker told me, that i didnt seem like and Aries, a lot of people here are big on that. And i was thinking, well at work i put on a sort of front, i smile and i nod and do the appropriate work thing. im completely different. Then i stumbled upon this little thing and realized OMG im a total aries. lol. this is spot on about me. So just so you know a little more about me. I have included the link so you can see if your's is right about you. :)

Astrology Aries March 21 - April 19

Aries Strength Keywords:

- Independent
- Generous
- Optimistic
- Enthusiastic
- Courageous

Aries Weakness Keywords:

- Moody
- Short tempered
- Self-involved
- Impulsive
- Impatient

Aries and Independence:

Aries personalities are independent. Being the first of the zodiac signs, they venture out and are go-getters, often leading the way. Their upbeat and magnetic personality often entices others to follow their lead because Aries personalities bring excitement into others lives.

Aries and Friendship:

Aries are good friends, they always look out for their friends with caring and generosity and will protect them should the need arise and encourage them with their natural optimism. If confronted, Aries can turn to be quite childish, they will fight back with their agressive nature and are known to have temper tantrums should they not get their way.

Aries and Business:

Aries are activists. If a business idea comes their way, they tend to plunge right in. Aries are more then willing to take a gamble and follow their dreams and goals. However, if success is not immediate, they tend to lose interest and give up easily. Aries are notorious for not finishing what they have begun. This is due to the low tolerance for boredom and lack of patience. If the excitement is gone from their business idea, they go off and search for it elsewhere.

Aries Temperament:

Independence is key to Aries astrology, they do not like to take orders from others and enjoy getting their way. They can get childish or moody should they be given orders that they do not like. Aries easily take offense to comments made. Aries are self-involved and can be self-centered, if they do not pay attention to the feelings of others, Aries can easily become spoiled and resented by others. In order to get their way, Aries will tell a lie if it seems advantageous to do so. They are however, not very good liars and other people can usually see through them.

Aries Deep Inside:

Underneath the strong, independent surface may lie insecurity. This is due to the intense drive to succeed and Aries put too much pressure on themselves, thus resulting in self-doubt however, the natural optimism and enthusiasm overtakes this and the underlying insecurity may never be known to others.

Aries in a Nutshell:

Aries is the first of the zodiac signs. Aries is the sign of the self, people born under this sign strongly project their personalities onto others and can be very self-oriented. Aries tend to venture out into the world and leave impressions on others that they are exciting, vibrant and talkative. Aries tend to live adventurous lives and like to be the center of attention, but rightly so since they are natural, confident leaders. Aries are enthusiastic about their goals and enjoy the thrill of the hunt, "wanting is always better then getting" is a good way to sum it up. Aries are very impulsive and usually do not think before they act - or speak. Too often Aries will say whatever pops into their head and usually end up regretting it later!

Aries Love, Sex and Relationships

What it's like to date an Aries Woman:

Dating an Aries never lacks excitement. She is hot-blooded, and forceful, so you had better be able to handle the heat! The Aries woman is for the person who likes an independent self-driven woman who can fend for herself and is not clingy and needy. An Aries woman requires freedom. For the Aries woman, the best part of the relationship is the beginning, then the spark is there and she is trying to catch you to be hers. She will find happiness in a long-term relationship because she enjoys sharing everything with her partner. She will not only have a romantic partner but a best friend too. She has a great need for love and passion but she will never let a man become the master, she considers her partner to be equal. Aries women are not for domineering men. She will be faithful but she expects the same in return. She can be jealous because she wants a man to give her all of his attention, "all or nothing", so her jealously is rooted in her possessiveness, she has to be number one in his eyes. She will always encourage and give strength to her partner so an Aries woman is great to have in times of despair or need, she will always be there for you. In order to have this happy ending, she needs to feel appreciated and loved.

Ze Link:
http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Trouble & Fun

I love how sometimes you just feel like being trouble. This morning i felt good and i mentioned how i want to get into trouble & then Ms. RG said she felt mischievous, i think that's funny. I mean sometimes its good to be troublesome and mischievous. Everyone likes a little of both.

So my friend and i were talking & i call him Trouble, cause that's what he is. But good trouble, and he said i was his trouble but i convinced him I'm just fun, but bad fun. So i started thinking this cant be good, cause when you mix trouble & fun its hard to stop. I thought that was pretty funny, and at first i was worried but now I'm looking forward to a little more of both. Needless to say so far so good on the friend thing.

I hope everyone gets into a bit of trouble today or this week, and most importantly i hope its fun. Things really are looking up. :)

Sunday, June 07, 2009

New Friends

So my new friend and i have been hanging out kind of a lot. Things are going very good, we are just friends but i have fun hanging out with him. He is really cool. Its hard to find someone to click with and be able to talk to. I kinda feel really lucky cause right now I'm going through like changes with the friends around me but I've been really fortunate to have new friends to fill that void. And I'm really hoping these new friends of mine will be around for a long time to come.

First and foremost my Twitter family rocks. Like its weird/funny to find people that you can talk to for hours almost on a daily basis and it all started because of the Spurs, i think that is truly are strongest bond, aww the Spurs brought us together. And i know I'm not close with all of the chatters the same and i see stronger bonds between others but i just cant get over how cool that is. It sounds cheesy but it really is something special and it makes me happy to be even a little part of that. Cause we can talk about the corniest stuff, i cant count how many inside jokes i know go on between everyone and then if you really are having a tough time everyone is there to listen/read and just offer kind and loving words & support. Especially lately i feel like I'm complaining all the time but no one is like "shut up already MG!" lol And I'm really starting to get better and feel better so i do hope to be more positive and happy from now on.

My other friend who I've know like 2 or 3 weeks started the same. That lovely basketball bond, altho he is a Rockets fan he has love for the Spurs so that's a good start. And anyways if he gets out of line talking about my 'old' spurs i always throw out that "who has gotten 4 rings in the past 10 years & who cant get out of the 1st round?" so that always works. but its nice to meet new people. I know i worried a lot about making friends when i moved to San Antonio and then again when i moved back to Houston but someone is watching out and bringing beautiful and smart and generally just awesome people into my life and i couldn't be more grateful!

I just wanted to say how much i appreciate you, yes you reading this and all the other new people in my life who have been an infinite beacon of support. Much love!

Big Hugs!
~MrsGino/MG/Jelly/Angelica/Me
:)

Friday, June 05, 2009

Temper Temper

Last night on chat i asked my fellow chatters: Can people control their emotions or do emotions control people?

This is something i think about alot because well i have a horrible temper, yet with all my other emotions i try to keep them in check. I think, for instance that if i choose not to "like" a person, regardless of my attraction or draw towards them that i can control that feeling. Others think I'm full of shit.

But Rita pointed out that, especially with anger, we are able to keep that emotion in check. Sometimes, like with bosses, we want to hit them for something but we are able to control it and put a smile on our face. Yet PJ mentioned that even tho you have a smile on your face doesn't mean that you're fooling your feelings deep down inside. So all of these things made me think.

I like to think i control my emotions. i don't like to think something like anger, love, sadness can control me. But maybe my fellow friends are right maybe we cant control how we feel, on the outside yes but on the inside is a different story. So why then is it that i can control my emotions except anger.

When i get mad, i get MAD! I hardly ever forgive and i don't forget, i use words to hurt whoever has made me mad and i hold a grudge like its no one's business. And im terribly irrational when angry, which i know isnt good but hey thats me. So if this one emotion can get the best of me perhaps they all can, given the right circumstance. Or maybe i just channel all my feelings into anger.

Who knows, i know this is random but its just something i was thinking about, you probably already realize I'm really random with stuff. lol

Thursday, June 04, 2009

FYI

Apparently, like i mentioned on Twitter someone is offended by what i wrote on my blog. Probably one of my "friends" like the ones that i see in person. So i went ahead and put my page private so only you guys can read it. Well i hope you can still read it since you are subscribed. Not sure about that now. But either way. People can go to hell. Just wanted to let y'all know whats up.

Update:
Its been like an hour since i wrote this and i decided well if people don't like what they read they shouldn't read it. don't send anonymous messages talking about "if you don't want ppl to know your business then don't blog about it." well duh. but a blog, for me, is to say whats on my mind and to express my thoughts views and opinions and if ppl don't like it they don't have to read it. I'm glad i blog i enjoy it and I'm sorry that someone feels the need to state the obvious.

Have a lovely day!

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Breaking Point

* WARNING: Foul Language can be found in this Blog*

My best friend and I are at a point where I don't know what the fuck. I try not to curse because as Rita says people only use it when they cant think of better words to use. But at this point like i said i don't know what the fuck to do.

She calls me yesterday (her name is Lily) we are talking casually and then she goes into the whole thing how I'm not trying hard enough and that i act like i don't want to be her friend. When she first moved back to town we had plans for that wedding, you remember? i believe i spoke about it, she sold me out. it took a few days but i got over it and invited her to do stuff with me a couple of times and she always had plans, like 3 times it happened. So i waited a while and then she invited me to do stuff and i don't like to do those things, like going out to clubs or hanging with our other friend's (other friend is Mary) friends (i know that's confusing) anywho. I am who i am, i haven't changed in the 10 years and now all of a sudden Lily tells me that it cant always be me & her hanging out i have to go out with other people. my initial reaction was fuck you. i don't HAVE to do anything. i didn't say that of course but why should i change the way i am, and why all of a sudden does this bother her. She is living with my Mary now & me and Mary use to go out (before she got a boyfriend) every Wednesday to my favorite bar for $1 beer night. (this is the infamous spot that landed me my legal trouble, haha) Those nights i use to spend the night and her mom works nights so it was just me and her and i would get up at 6am for work. No big deal. Well Lily brings this up, 3 huge things about this, 1st i don't like to go out on weekdays cause i drag on Thursdays and they stay out late & don't have jobs to get up to early like me, they also don't like to go to my bar and that's the only place i like to go, its my spot 2nd before it was just Mary & her mom, since then Mary's boyfriend moved in, Lily moved in & another of their sorority sisters moved in. From Mary living practically alone there are now 5 ppl living there. i don't feel right staying the night with that many ppl getting up and disturbing everyone to get ready for work. 3rd and most importantly, i just got arrested & spent the night in jail for a DWI, i don't really want to go out and party all night right now, sorry if that's wrong but i don't think it is.

Last week she invites me over on Wednesday, the 1st day of layoffs at my job. she calls me at 4pm as soon as i get off of work and of course I'm having a pretty messed up week so I'm like sure ill go by. i get there and shes kinda down, she hasn't found a job yet, shes in her pjs at 4pm, she wants me to write a cover letter for her, she wants to talk about my jail experience, she wants to lecture me on this guy (this guy is the reason i say I'm going to hell, its a long awkward story, for another blog on another day) she literally spends the whole time bitching at me for that. telling me I'm wrong and all this. needless to say the visit was fucked up. i was ready to go home like 10minutes after i got there. why the hell would i want to spend time with someone who is making me feel more fucked up than i already do about my current situation. its so stupid. i tell Lily this and she says that makes her feel like she needs to be a certain way and cant be down. its not that at all, I've had to listen to a lot of bitching because of that asshole guy and i dealt with it. at one pt yes i told her i didn't want to hear about it, after months of listening to it because i don't want to listen to my best friend hurt herself, because i stopped blaming the guy it was her won fault after 6 months. i don't mind listening but i stopped feeling sorry for her a long time ago. so this day i really needed her to be my best friend and joke & laugh with me and just help me relieve some stress and calm my jumpy nerves and i get lectured. WTF!?!? ill pass i don't need that, my parents didn't even do that shit to me. so i just left. i didn't want to deal with this now. i think that should be understandable in my present situation.

So then she tells me that she thinks i want this friendship to end. but if your the once calling something like that out then maybe its you who doesn't want the friendship. i don't think friendships should require effort. in a sense yeah they should as far as time being spent, but when it starts turning into a "we need to talk" type situation it means maybe its not working. i don't think i should be having to deal with this now. I'm finally calming down and not being so stressed about my situation and she puts this stuff on my plate. i think its messed up as far she goes.

so like i said, i don't know what the fuck to do. my attitude right now its like fuck-it-all! thanks you guys for listening to me complain again. y'all really have made me feel so much better about everything that I'm going thru and about my messed up friendships that I'm dealing with. honestly had i not had y'all around. id be fucked.

love you guys!!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Amen Sister

I hear people always say i have the best sister ever. And literally i do. My sister and i, since we were little have never been close. not like other siblings. we have mad love for each other but its always been hard to be around each other for too long. I get mad at her cause i think she isnt doing the "big sister things" but in the end where it counts she is the best.

As yall know i got myself into a bind. A big bind, huge! Im losing weight & sleep over this. But my sister stepped up in everyway i could ask for. She took matters in to her own hands and altho im stil a bit stressed and worried she told me last night something i will never forget and something thats eased my heart. "dont worry, let me handle this, i will take care of it, i promise"

She knew she wanted to be in law enforcement since forever and now that she works at the court house she always told me dont ever call if you get in "trouble" dont call me. and ooo i tell you i didnt want to but i had to, i didnt want anyone to think i was in a ditch dead somewhere. in a matter of hours it was handled and shes still taking care of it now. i know shell see me all the way thru. she loves me. and because of her support, even tho she didnt have to, and im not entirely sure i would have

I HAVE THE BEST SISTER EVER!!

Monday, May 25, 2009

Vague

I guess we all do this. Ive never done this. I'm going to be very vague because i don't want to even say out loud what I'm really thinking/doing cause it makes it true on my behalf and cause i don't want anyone to think less of me although at this point i couldn't think less of myself.

Have you ever done something wrong, knew it was wrong and couldn't stop yourself. Or after the event you could have taken the precautions to make sure you didn't keep doing the wrong but you didn't. You kept making the same bad decision.

I did something wrong, i think god punished me but i wouldn't change it. I know its wrong still and I'm still doing it. I have the opportunity to change it now but I'm not going to. I feel so strongly about this that even tho i know its totally wrong, and there is no justification to make it right I'm still going to do it. I'm fucked up.

I'm mad at myself cause i know what I'm doing. I'm pissed off cause i know I'm not going to stop. I disappointed cause I'm not the person i thought i was. I'm crying because i don't care about any of this. I'm jealous cause i wasn't first. I'm worried cause it wont end well. I'm sad cause I'm being judged, altho they have every right to judge me.

I don't understand, I've always been very careful to protect myself from this bullshit. Ive always looked at those people, the ones doing the exact thing i am, as the worst of the worst. Now I'm one. I know i should stop but I'm not going to, there has to be something wrong with me.

I know this is totally vague and you got nothing out of it but i had to write it down, i had to see if reading it this way would make me change my mind, to see if i could step up and be the person i want to be. I didn't work.

Friday, May 22, 2009

My Hair

I hope this doesn't seem vain or conceited but i feel like i can talk about anything here. I love my hair. I think i just have this beautiful head of hair, well when its straight. Let me explain.

Ive always had super duper curly hair and i like it but its so out of control, even with maximum amount of mouse, hairspray, gel, you name it, it'll frizz and just blow up! My grandma, from the side of the family that i get this hair from, not the one i got the tattoo for, was always talking mess to me when i was little. She always said i didn't comb it or make a big deal. She always made me feel ashamed of it and self conscious. In fact even now she says things.

See i used to be very athletic in high school even freshman year of college. But in the past 2 years i gained weight. I'm not comfortable in my own skin sometimes. I think I'm pretty and I'm not ashamed but sometimes i feel weird about it. I never like to go see my grandma cause she will tell us all that we are fat. Well my cousins are also "healthy" as i like to say and they spend a lot of time around her so they throw her crazy and it doesn't seem to phase them but me and my sister just try not to visit. See the grandma we grew up around always tells us she loves us and that we are beautiful and she is always an encouraging and positive woman. I have never in my life felt belittled by her. So being around negative grandma is hard for me.

So my attachment to my hair is something weird. Its long, like a hand above my bum. And when i finally learned to straighten it, like senior year of high school I've always loved it. But i keep it in a bun most of the time cause I'm not sitting there for 2 hours straightening it daily or even every other day. I feel pretty when i have it done. The first time negative grandma saw it she told me how beautiful i was and i was floored, even my other cousins were like WTF? I think part of that is why i like it so much too.

I remember when Mike and i were together, even now, he just loves it long and straight. In fact he was the main reason i let it grow so long. I made the decision after high school i wouldn't die it again and its something i knew he didn't like either. Funny story, when we went to the Spurs game i had it down and had a little purple hair clip, like fake purple hair extension in it and i showed him, he looked mortified. he didn't want to tell me that he didn't like it but he didn't know what to say he thought it was real. So i asked him you don't like it do you and he just looked down and was like no, i said good, its not real and he looked so relieved, anyway off the subject.

My hair has become something for me like a... i don't even know what. Something I'm attached to that makes me feel pretty when I'm not feeling pretty about myself. Does that make any sense. Probably not. I have a feeling you my friends will understand on some level. Then today i wear it down and at work a bunch of ladies were like you have such pretty hair and they were looking at me and i was totally embarrassed to have these women staring at me and my hair. Part of me thought i was going to get ojo. lol. if your Mexican you know what I'm talking about. the "evil eye" I'm really shy until i get to know people and i don't like attention on me so it was awkward. So now I'm thinking do i really like the hair, well yes of course i do i just wrote a blog about it. lol

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Reading Makes You Think

So i was reading Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and Lena said something that I've been thinking about for some time now. She said there are people who fall in love lots of times and then there are some people who only fall in love once.

I started thinking about this because well it seems like I've only been in relationships. Like long term. I had a high school boyfriend we were together for 5 years. at the time i thought i was super deep in love with him but by the end of senior year i realized that i wanted to be single. And looking back now i don't think i was ever really in love with him like seriously. I grew to love him but not be in love with him.

And then well there is Mike. Ive slowly fallen out of love with him but ill always love him too. Looking back on that relationship i know it was real. So i joke around a lot about being in love. I'm always saying i just fell in love with the latest hot guy (Right now Spock aka Zachary Quinto). Of course you all know i love Manu.

So now I'm wondering will i fall in love again? Do i even want to fall in love again? I'm at a part of my life where i love being single maybe cause I've really only gone out with 2 guys. Sure i had a couple of "things" in between but i spent 5 years with one & 3 1/2 years with the other. So in total I've spent almost 9 years in a relationship. I love being single, i remember Rita, Rose and i had this conversation once & they seemed to agree about enjoying single life.

But what if Lena was right what if you only fall in love once. What happens when you meet someone new. I want to be able to fall in love like 10 times. I don't want to think you just fall in love once. But I've asked this question, love or happiness of course i choose happiness. Love to me is a foreign concept only because the examples of love i have seen don't make me believe in it. I don't believe in being hurt over someone you love. I don't allow myself to hurt. Well i do my best.

Just some, as Rattlergrl would say, "Random Thoughts"!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Best Friend?

Okay so for my devoted blog readers this is just going to be me bitching about my best friend some more. So feel free to pass it by if you are done hearing my whining i know it can get annoying but i gotta get it out. Your past blogs have kinda told me that i need to let stuff that's bothering me out so that's what I'm doing.

I was on chat last Friday with most of you when she came over. It was a spur of the moment drop by visit. No problem i was like well maybe we can chat i can FINALLY tell her I'm not moving in with her and maybe get our relationship on track. Yeah no that didn't happen.

She got there when we were about to eat so she had dinner with me and my parents. When we went to my little room i got on chat to say bye and that id be back later. So, i already told y'all this, she was all like, wow your "one of those people" who chats all the time. (she had a mark moment apparently) Then she tells me, i used to do that in high school. I told her yeah and i explained how awesome all my chat friends were and how we all like to chat all the time and how we have a lot in common. I didn't really feel the need to defend my chatting but i felt the need to defend my Spurs friends. Cause it felt like she was insulting us all & that really pissed me off.

So we are talking more and I'm trying to lead into the whole 'I'm not going to move in with you' conversation. I tell her i want to go back to school full time. And her response "what for" I'm like okay rude but i answer "to finish" and then shes like "finish what" at this point I'm seeing red and trying to keep my cool. I've never felt that she felt she was better than me but at this point i felt that way. I could have finished school in 4 years had i really wanted to but i wasn't going to be like her. She ended up getting a degree in something she didn't really want because she didn't get into the program she wanted. I want to be sure what i want to do before i finish school i want to have a degree ill use.

So needless to say I've distanced myself from her. i haven't talked to her since that day. I'm really upset its making me mad even blogging about it now but i do feel some relief getting it out. I just don't even want to try with her. Where is my best friend? Who has her? Why did they take her? What the hell am i supposed to do with this crazy lady whose replaced her?

I'm just mad about the whole thing, before i was sad and felt helpless I'm past that now. Now i know its not me. Its her. I tell Mike (BTW he is that one & only person i trust) and he tells me to leave her alone when shes ready to be my friend again she will be. But also he tells me not to go and like confront her cause that could damage our friendship permanently. I think hes right.

For those of you who made it this far thanks!

Friday, May 15, 2009

Ghetto

Okay you know what this is gonna be about. Ill try to keep it quick but i feel the need to voice my opinion clearly.

During that whole "drama" on chat last night i was a bit offended and also completely misunderstood. Mark said that "people like u" (referring to me i think) are the reason others get a bad reputation or whatever. This is wrong in so many ways.

I'm sure Eminem grew up in the ghetto and had a tough life and in no way was anything i was saying referring to Eminem's life. i was strictly talking about his music. i don't know Eminem like that, so how can i even begin to talk about what hes been thru. My whole point was that his music does not always reflect his "pain" and to me that is what rap should be about.

Some people call me ghetto cause i love rap. But its the same as any music, the artists is trying to tell their story and its a different way to be told but i think it cuts deeper cause some of these people have not just had broken hearts but tough lives. when someone is a good rapper they aren't just selling records but telling their story.

So they topic was ghetto, altho i know ghetto more refers to a place than a person i use that term all the time to describe people. some people have a ghetto appearance, now that doesn't make them a bad person, i never said that, like i said because some people refer to me as ghetto i don't get offended by this term and ill call people ghetto too sometimes in a negative way sometimes positive. Its all peoples interpretation.

So don't be hypocritical and say I'm the one judging someone, when you turn around and tell me i don't understand because i cant relate. You don't know what I've been through and you surely don't know my life.

My problem with the entire conversation is that were different, so in the words of TI:
"In order to understand my train of thoughts
You'll have to put yourself in my position
You can't expect me to think like you cause my life ain't like yours
You know what I'm saying?
If you don't understand that you don't understand English
I'm done talking! "
That's all I'm saying i made my peace and i hope that it makes sense and clears up any confusion on what was said via Spurs Fan Chat last night. Thanks!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Don't Tell Manu

Well lets see. There's this guy. And I'm kinda worried about the situation. Hmm, where to start. At the beginning i guess.

When i first started working here i thought oh he's cute. But I'm like no point in doing that. Its not good to get involved with people you work with. Now we've kinda gotten to know each other and i guess in a way i like him, but there are several problems why i wouldn't talk to him like that (as in more than a friend). Hes around 8 years older than me, he has a 3 year old kid, he works with me (of course) and worst of all the reason i wouldn't think twice about talking to him as more than just friends is cause, promise you wont tell Manu cause i feel like I'm cheating on him by even thinking this guy is cute!! *leans in and whispers very quietly* he's a Lakers fan. Ugh i feel wrong even saying it. lol. So needless to say that's not my problem.

We 'fight' alot. Like he likes to joke around and talk mess especially about my Spurs & i return the favor. So we have a rivalry of sorts.We email each other with random stuff and we sometimes sit together at lunch, with other people so its not like its just us two. When i lost my grandfather last year he was very sympathetic and kind and offered very kind words and just his friendship. When i was scared of losing my job last month i told him what happened and again he just was the sweet guy he is and told me about some places to apply and that i would be okay. So i guess in a way hes kinda warmed my heart. Not a best friend or anything but just someone who is caring and nice. I wouldn't really say we were friends cause its not like we hang out outside of work, just a coworker friendship i guess, okay now I'm going on and on about our relationship, just want you to get the general idea.

So I'm at my desk last week and he is messing with me as usual and a co worker of mine tells me, "he's sweet on you" I'm like "who, him? nah we just play around a lot." she kinda rolled her eyes like "sure." i didn't think too much of it and then a good friend coworker of mine and i were at lunch and i mentioned it to her and she told me "oh yeah, i think so too"so I'm like "why do you think that?" Apparently she sees our playfulness as flirting, which i can understand but its not like that. So then yesterday I'm in the break room and I'm texting Mike, my bff another coworker asks "so are you texting him?" And i jokingly say "i don't have anything to say to that boy" lol just being funny and the said co worker laughs. So then I'm thinking, i don't even have his number, why would someone think we were close like that. So 3 people in my office kinda see something between us.

So this is freaking me out. Cause nothing is going on. I'm not going to lie cause i don't lie to you guys n gals but if he tried to "talk" to me i don't think I'd say no. Does that make sense? id go for it. But the point is that nothing is going on. We aren't talking or texting. We email and talk at work, that's all. So I'm kinda upset that a few think that there is something more. Now I'm starting to think what if there are other people who think that too? Maybe I'm overreacting but i just don't like people to get the wrong impression of me.

Even yesterday i explained this to my sister and she was like, i think you kinda like him. And shes thinks he likes me too cause like she said its like elementary when they give you a hard time and pull your hair and by teasing you about the spurs he's doing the grown up version of that. I really don't think he likes me cause well i just don't. i think he would have said so had he, he seems like "that" type of guy. So now I'm reading this and I'm thinking wow this sounds so horribly elementary. lol. But i guess its just something that is bothering me now. And i cant exactly tell everyone, "HEY NOTHING IS GOING ON" cause that would make it seem that there is lol. I guess I'm just using this to bitch about an awkward situation for me. Thanks for hearing/reading me out.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The Wrong Teams Are Winning

Wow. I didn't see but the first like 5 minutes of that game before i fell asleep. But it was not pretty at all. 40 points? Really. Wow. This series is getting really weird now that i think of it. First the Rockets won the 1st game in LA, totally unexpected. So everyone jumped on the bandwagon. And surprisingly they are totally capable of winning this series. Then the Lakers take 2 one at home & one in Houston. Then after Yao leaves the Rockets win here, and blow out the Lakers. Now the tables have completely turned. Wowza. It'll be interesting to see how that plays out.

Dallas, well they were SUPPOSED to be swept, according to my last blog. lol. that was just disappointing cause well i just don't like Dallas. After all that controversy i really wanted them to lose game four but that didn't happen. I'm sure the Nuggets will wrap it up today but still. It would have been sweet.

I'm totally rooting for Superman & Co. I don't want Boston to win. I don't know why but i just don't care for that team this year. Either way the Cavs will probably come out on top but still its be nice if Magic won the Eastern Conference.

And well I cant say anything about the Cavs...lol. Poor Atlanta. I wish they would have gotten one tho.

So far great playoffs. A little dirty, plenty of drama, but i must ask : Where will amazing happen?

Monday, May 11, 2009

Get Your Brooms Ready

After a disappointing early end to the Spurs season, nothing seems nicer than seeing the Dallas Mavericks season end in a SWEEP! lol I saw that "controversial" play, and it happens. But at the same time i don't think Dallas can be that upset. I mean you wouldn't be down by 2 games already had you been the "better" team. Last year we experienced that with the Lakers. A foul wasn't called and the game was lost. So that just means what, play harder. But i am looking forward to watching that game tonight. I hope the Nuggets pull it off, it'd be nice.

I haven't been following the Cavaliers too much, partially because i think we'll see them in the finals regardless and the other part is because i don't know if i like them yet. I'm on the fence about Lebron James. The Eastern Conference finals i will watch and i guess ill make my decision at that point. I'm sure they'll sweep Atlanta like they did Detroit.

I'm hoping that Orlando takes Boston, however that has been an interesting series like with the Lakers & Rockets. Well with the head slap to start things off. lol. So far altho our Spurs didn't make it the other teams seem to be putting on a show for us who are still having withdrawals.

Basketball, where would we be without it.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Beaumont

This will be pretty short. As I'm sure you know i was pretty freaking pissed about my whole best friends situation. So when i was getting ready i was kind of down. But i just dismissed it. Mike told me, go have fun with your family and don't let her ruin the weekend. So i did my best.

First thing i went shopping on Saturday and got 2 pairs of shoes for $100 i was super excited and they are super fabulous so that started off good. 1 pair i had been wanting for a while some gorgeous purple ones, and at 40% off i couldn't resist, then the black ones caught my eye so i just had to. like my mom said i hadn't treated myself in a while and its not like I'm saving money to move out so i can dip in the piggy bank just a tad for something nice.

then the wedding was absolutely great. i got to meet cousins and uncles and aunts and just family that i didn't know. i felt so comfortable it was really nice. i got a little bit drunk but that's okay too nothing bad or embarrassing. i was listening to stories of them and just the gossip about people i didn't really know and just laughing and enjoying the night. I've always felt i fit in with my moms side of the family. we are all pretty close, but when it came to my dads i never found my place. i never felt like i was one of them. I even wondered how my dad came from them. But then i found where i fit. His moms side of the family. They were even telling me i was one of them, a Garcia. And that felt nice. To know where i came from but at the same time to feel like i belong there with them.

so i guess she wasn't supposed to go. it was supposed to be me with my family. In the end I'm over it. I'm glad she didn't go, I'm upset still, in a way, that she is being a bad friend. but I'm happy that she wasn't there cause thinking back, what if she decided to be moody and just ruined the whole experience. I guess somethings do happen for a reason.

thank you guys for being there to listen to me complain and to offer good advice as well as just agreeing with me. you rock and make this awkward time in my friendship, that has been so solid for 10+ years now, somehow bearable. Thanks!