Thursday, April 16, 2015

An Amazing Man

It's been a few months...

So last night was the regular season finale of basketball.  There is a local group here of Spurs fans in Houston that does meet-ups to watch games together. I found out about them at the beginning of the season when I went to the Spurs/Rockets game and got handed a card. Because life is hectic i hadn't really been able to make it to a meet-up and was desperate to go to this one before playoffs. I told D about it and of course he is always willing to do what i want so we went. My die-hard Rockets fan of a boyfriend sat among a group of Spurs fans and chatted and ate and watched one little TV with his game so i could be happy. Then when it got so warm i was flushed and red he sat there and fanned me for about a half hour so i could be comfortable...

He isn't perfect, neither of us is but I am so overcome with love and adoration for this man it brings me to tears. Like literal tears fall because of the way he cares for me and how he makes me feel. It's new to me and foreign and sometimes scary but God do i feel blessed. Its so different, he shows off my Spurs tattoo more than I do, he wants to be in my photos I post online and he wants to tag every where we go. He makes it known that I am with him wherever he goes and we are a pair there is no him without me. He takes interest in my work and what i do, not just my full-time job but my part-time and my side job as well. He acknowledges my work and effort and congratulates my triumphs and encourages me during my frustrating moments. 

When we fight he is never insulting but it always stems from some sort of jealousy or frustration that i wont allow him to do something for me or help me. He doesn't get mad at the way i fight or the things i say and is always reaching out when things end badly. And wow the patience this man has for me is incredible. I don't even have that much patience with myself. I see myself changing and allowing him to be able to love me. Not changing who i am but changing my protect and guarded ways and allowing him in, its such a feeling.

He is incredibly romantic without ever actually trying to be, he is just open and honest about the way he feels and he says and does things that are just incredible gestures of love and I don't think he even knows it. I find myself at a loss on how to process it and how to reciprocate it but i do what i can and slowly i am learning to do the same and express myself. I'm always scared to sound cheesy or sappy or lame by saying how i feel or what i think but when he does it its so perfect and the feeling is incredible. Especially the way he is also affectionate and has to be touching me or right by my side. 

Overall i just feel incredible, blessed and loved I had to share my feelings because i feel so overwhelmed with emotion. I am feeling something so new and so different (i cant think of a better word!) And i really truly look at him and see my future husband and the father of my children. A man worthy of my love and life. 

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Game Changer

Ever have a night or an experience that just changes everything?

That was last night for me, something about everything that happened and how it happened was just so amazing. Today i woke up just feeling invincible. I feel on top of the world. I am so blessed and thankful for what i have right now. 

Roomie and I kind of had a mini fight last night, he is sad about his break-up he drank to much and kind of came at me in a fucked up way. I was really upset about it but instead of arguing i just went to my bed. My sweet teddy bear of a man of course came after me and he defended me and talked to me about it and just listened to me and all my shenanigans. It's a difficult position for him to be in after all he is roomie's friend before he is mine. But he didn't get involved in an inappropriate way he agreed with me and he listened. Then when roomie decided to post a shady fucking status on Facebook right after i walked away i was upset. But he comes to my rescue and calls him on his bullshit online, it just felt like a modern day come to my rescue kinda thing. i didn't acknowledge any of it and i just let it go because i already know how my roommate is i have known him since 7th grade. But the fact that he just stood up for us made me feel amazing, he makes me feel amazing.

We talked for like a good hour or two and he is just such a complimentary person he is constantly telling me the sweetest things and being so affectionate and loving it drives me insane. In the best possible way, i cant even look at him sometimes because his intensity is so real and he makes me blush and feel slightly embarrassed because i don't deserve all his praise. 

Last week we went out and we were in separate cars and he followed me and i accidentally ran a red light and he was telling my roommate (his friend) about it and i remember that night he was so upset with me and he was just livid that i wasn't being more careful. he always worries about me so much and i felt awful after it happened but he told my roommate that he just saw everything flash before him he was sure i was going to get slammed into and that i got so lucky and if someone would have hit me he would have killed them even though it wasn't their fault. The amount of love and adoration he has for me is overwhelming i have never had anyone love me with this kind of intensity. 

So back to the purpose of this post, that was me just bragging on my amazing man. Last nights  events unfolded and it was a true game changer for me. Seeing him in that light and in that way and having a moment of intimacy so electrifying like i just see him in this whole other way. Realizing that i dont want to sacrifice my relationship with him for my friendship with roomie. I feel like some hard decisions are coming but i think they are going to be necessary. I guess the point is that finally, i am all in and where he is. I am committed to him...

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

The Look

I am always so guarded, always pushing people away and never letting anyone get too close.  I'm extremely cautious with my heart and my feelings, not only because i have been hurt but because I am so stubborn and set in my ways. I like my life the way it is and sometimes I am not sure i can fit someone into it. But that look, that glance makes me feel like for this one i could do it all. When i look over at him and see him looking at me with so much adoration in his eyes it makes me feel so amazing. The way he holds my hand and kisses the back of it when i talk, then the way he leans up against me, like he has to touch me at all times. It's an amazing feeling, but its terrifying. I could list about 100 different ways that the things he does make me feel like I am the only girl in the world yet i am so scared to admit my feelings. He talks like he knows what it is, like he is done and I am his entire world and the feeling that gives me is phenomenal. He has used that word to describe it and it works. A man who is hard working, educated and kind is so hard to find, I am preparing myself for when it ends to be able to go back to where I was and I think i still can but i also think that it is a matter of time before i cross the point of no return. It's approaching. I trust him though, with my feelings with my heart and with me just in general. I never thought i would say that i could find a man who could handle me; i used to take a bitter sort of pride in that but he can. He has and he is very much someone who i would like to handle me, someone who i would actually want to work through things with. He has no problem communicating, when something bothers him he doesn't hesitate to let me know and to tell me we are going to talk about it and then we actually talk about it. I've never had someone that focused on me so quickly. The one thing he said to me and it has stuck with me for the past few days was on Saturday when i told him i didn't want to drink too much and get wasted and he said not to worry and he would take care of me and i didn't have to always take care of things. He asked me to trust him which i agreed to do and I feel like i am, well to the best of my ability. He tolerates my fits of psycho-ness that unfortunately show my ugly side. He pays attention to me with such intensity that i kind of melt. The comfort i feel is reassuring and the things he says seem genuine and i trust him but at the same time i feel i cant let it all down and let him completely in because once i do I am not sure i can go back, not with this one, he is an all-in type of man for me. I'm scared to admit my complete at true feelings even here where i feel its private but they are there and I think I'm starting to own them... I'll keep posting